Yes, my dear - those are not dolphins...

Halal & Kosher dilemma or eat the cartoonists

Something went wrong with the evolution...

No Exit...From the History of Vacations 

From the series: Make your own title... 

Check this great site: www.religiousfreaks.com, created by gasmonso

Also I am initiating A THOUGHT OF A WEEK contest! Anyone is welcome to participate. Here is one: "With the rate the Iraqis are killing each other and destroying their mosques, we will soon have a secular country big enough to resettle all Christian fundamentalists there..." I have received a strictly confidential report that Al Qaida will soon release a new video in which: Osama will dance with an unemployed Rabbi; Jerry Fallwell and Pat Robertson will be washing a huge statue of Buddha; the Pope will speak Yiddish with heavy Korean accent; the birds will be cured of that nasty flu; the cartoonists will make a pilgrimage to Mecca; Maoists will turn into Taoists; and everyone penises will stay erected without Viagra until the next hadj...It is a promise...

PRAISE ALLAH! THE JEWS ARE SHOPPING...

Tom & Jerry Iranian Style...you won't believe it...

Tom & Jerry - A Jewish Conspiracy (Ref.: http://www.religiousfreaks.com/) Prof. Hasan Bolkhari, a cultural advisor to the Iranian Education Ministry, claimed during a televised seminar that "Tom and Jerry" was created by the Jewish Walt Disney company to irradicate the association between mice and Jews created in the minds of Europeans by Hitler. What I find amusing is how he calls it the Jewish Walt Disney Company. Firstly, Tom & Jerry was an MGM creation and secondly, Walt Disney was no Jewish sympathizer apparently and possibly quite the opposite. If this is how people are educated in Iran, I can see why they have so many problems. Well here is the video compliments of MEMRI: http://www.memri.org/.

some of my GabLevages:

Meanwhile in Iran...

Everything can be split...

In real life everything that appears 'normal' is actually only our perception.
This is the biggest freedom we have... 

Meanwhile, somewhere...

Jews For Jihad are Coming!

Warning: This document contains over 30 thousand words, essential for your survival! WHY JEWS FOR JIHAD ? (You might ask before and after you read this flammable material) Because. Because when you look around and smell the fresh press ink, feel small particles of radiation from your beloved TV screen - you must come to some realization that we all are the participants of the theater of the absurd absorption. Some of the stage roles and conflicts are invisible. Those are the worst types based on your imagination, education, and conviction (or lack of it). We (the humans) are able to contemplate and tackle the dangers of pollution, ozone destruction, dependability on fossil liquids, electric, alternative answers to it, separate identical twins connected to each other through some twisted genetic commands, putting a pork heart into a desperate patient in need, cruising in stealth flying machines twice above the speed of sound, constructing incredible, threatening buildings, design the most perfect contact lenses and all-weather-proof lipsticks, change sexes, split atoms and replant missing hair, dream about a better world to come and more. Yet, confronted by misguided fantasies, conceived as an answer to our sublime fears and insecurities – we royally fail. Various worldwide fanatics defending this or that set of beliefs are able to change almost everything we have accomplished so far. Not only they kill the horse of our hope-carriage but they also poison the grass and trees surrounding us – so instead at arriving to a futuristic promised land, we land in a desert, exposed, helpless, and marked. That is why I have created seemingly absurd and surreal world/theatre of JFJ, yet firmly based in merciless reality. Don’t be put off by deliberate insults and ridiculous salvos aimed at de-masking all those who are ruining our future and hopes, regardless of their religious, political or social affiliation. On the other hand if you can live with a notion that we never had had the perfect past, conditionally believed in skeptic hope and most definitely will run out of fatigued future, you will be better prepared to understand these satirical knee-jerk writings. So fasten your rational seat belts and reset your fair bags – the trip you about to take – will take you where you have never been before or perhaps once upon a time have ventured into the forbidden doors of fantasy and imagination but have forgotten about it. Have a good trip. Gabriel Ariel Levicky – a.k.a Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of Jews For Jihad orgasmization Opened on September 11, 2001 - closed on September 11th, 2002 Jews For Jihad, orgasmization® concept pregnancy and historical orgasm caused by © Gabriel Ariel Levicky Comments? Send yours to gabtrans@yahoo.com 1 Dear friends? In the light of the recent horrific and challenging times, it's time to move on and respond to these trying moments with all the zest and boldness of 20th century. Therefore, I am about to establish an extraordinary group, called Jews for Jihad orgasmization (similar to those other orgs. such as Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jazz(us), Jews for Diamonds are Girls best friends, Orthodox Jews for Reform Jews, Jews for Bicyclists, Jews for Brooklyn and other boroughs, Jews for Submarines, etc.). I shall accept all recommendation and ideas for outfits, signs and other highly visible markings. Also, a particular melody and lyrics are sought for JFJ anthem and other PR quick-catch details in order to convince the potential terrorists of our good intentions and make the Jihad wholesome. JFJ is an equal opportunity joint. Send all your ideas and applications to: Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – you can’t have your history and feel it too… 2 Dear friends in Jihad (Jewish), Only yesterday we had a historic occasion to witness the birth of Jews for Jihad orgasmization (JFJ, org.) and viola, today we are issuing the first statement... Remember, this world is under constant attack of changes. For example, a few days ago I noticed that the leaves in every park are changing, and how! You might wonder, what it has to do with JFJ, org. ?! Camouflage - is the word. We ought to watch people and things wearing camouflage. By the way, JFJ have already an outfit designed by Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky, an unknown veteran. It consist of a hat in a form of Star of David (yellow), a shield made out of expired date matzah, a blue toga, a pointer nightstick and a determined look. Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember - stay vigilant and alert...history depends on you...sort of... 3 Dear JFJ supporters and interested parties, The glory of the final victory is near your nostrils. Jews for Jihad, orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) have a great idea how to defeat the perfidious enemy. Bomb 'em with 1 week hardened matzoth balls, gracefully iced with a near-by Chinese restaurant’s fried pork rice and than call us with guaranteed results. We are negotiating with many foreign governments (allies) based on their gastronomic habits to understand our well-meant point and try out our secret weapon. In order to secure the complete success of our operation, we are ready to hit the opposing side with crawling gefilte fish, sprinkle them with homemade horseradish and attack them with fresh pickles from plastic barrels. With Gesundheit, Yours Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember - history has its own recipe 4 Dear faithful and semi-faithful, Jews for Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) is proud to announce that it cracked the real meaning behind OBL* name (may he be cursed by thousand deaf dolphins?). According to our spies positioned all over the world as puffy clouds, we are confident that their seemingly soft intelligence will in effect become a hard evidence. *Osama bin Laden real name is - Franta Novak, alias Curak, a stateless mercenary from Zizkov, a low income class district in Prague, the Czech Republic. His father was half Yemenite, half Mongoloid Sephardic beer brewer who came to the former Czechoslovakia as a young exchange student, courtesy of ex-Communist regime and 'peoples-thirst-first democracy of Yemen', a rather loose tribal congregation of the Czech beer lovers in the romantic desert-like environment. Our special veteran adviser, an unknown Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky claims that this revelation is only the tip of the foam. We shall follow up on this and other absolutely unrelated matters just to keep you totally misinformed. Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember - if you can't change the history – go ahead, create your own! 5 Dear Jewsforjihadists and others, At these dramatic times when only the cowards are showing some courage, we are again forced to issue a statement for the benefit of all mannequinkind. Conspiracy freaks, doomsday slayers and other bunch of visionaries, insist that Jews for Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) are logic, organic and final missing piece of a puzzling question: why do we exist? Jews for Jihad, org. actually found out, inspired and led by the omnipresent dividend providence that in order to understand this world one has to misunderstand it completely, beyond any recognition. Only then we shall arrive to a complete state of idiocy - a concept that has been neglected or pretended to be invisible for many centuries by many governing people. Considering benefits of officially acclaimed idiocy, we are confident that a lot of people will not join JFJ, org. and thus will miss the opportunity to be pleasantly & forever brainwashed. While our turbaned opponents are hiding in various hills and mountains waiting for the Hollywood producers, we are in process of developing see-through automatic teller machines in order to see who is really counting the dough. Anyway, the point is, as our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky stresses, that it's not important to have peace-war situation, but rather war-war, peace-peace, war-peace-war and many other combinations to accomplish absolutely nothing at all. Jews for Jihad, org., therefore decided to dissolve itself to confuse those who believe in everything, only to emerge on the other side (which one?) and help to create an absolutely new religion, based on absolute guessing. The supreme non-being will be called the Guess, the theology guessimisimus; soon there will be a holy war against absolute, called the Guessad. With an incredible urge to have smoked pork ribs, Yours Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Hasta La Vista Jihadista Remember - if you can't change the history - go ahead, create your own... 6 Dear Jewsforjihadists and other entities, Back by popular demand!!! Jews for Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) have found out that the magic, hypnotic effect this orgasmization had on extremely limited amount of human resources, has created a vacuum - an ideal condition for JFJ.org., to step in and bring more insanity into our beautiful, blue (sometimes pink) planet. According to our latest intelligence (a word a lot of people are more scared than of anthrax), Heaven (www.heaven.st) is running out of virgins. But they are issuing rain checks. JFJ, org., is the frontrunner of completely new concept of avant-garde - chava-nat-garde - a new, completely idiotic approach to total misunderstanding and confusion. Actually, as our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky is constantly stressing, the more the better, naturally. JFJ, org., is compelled to announce that, yes, indeed, we also have ground forces in Afghanistan, armed with rubber stamps K and U and our brigade is furiously stamping everything in sight, hoping that one day they will run into mullah Umar (spell Omar) and OBL (may his underwear will turn miraculously clean with some persistent brown spots) and stamp letters K & U on their wrinkled foreheads, thus making them holy and kosher. So, Mullahs of all countries, tonight! Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember - if you can't change the history - go ahead, create your own! 7 Dear Jewsforjihadists and really beyond, Look up! The # 7 is coming at you! It’s a heavy stuff, directly out from Kabul-a-h. Jews For Jihad, orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) have reached well-deserved mature state of complete idiocy within the short period of time. Actually, it’s so short that it even did not have enough time to realize how is everything really screwed up. Strangely enough, a lot of people are genuinely confused about the mission and social usefulness of our orgasmization. I am hereby proclaiming that any such questions in future are absolutely encouraged because they do not lead anywhere – and this is precisely a hard/soft point. Many our members, including non-members are voluntarily and not knowingly rewriting every holy book in the grandpa Universe. When they are confused, they simply tear out a page and continue on another one with a completely different and sometimes indifferent thought. Thus the future masterpiece of human confusion will come to its fruition and will be splendidly exhibited at various badly illuminated corners. As our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky likes to add: “Everybody is responsible for its own fart. And at the end, the fart you make, it’s equal to a fart you get…” And so on, and so on… Our badly hidden forces, well trained in non-combat situations, are reporting from the hard testing grounds that the victory is very near. They have actually spotted a Taliban soldier reading Dostoyevsky’s The Idiot, promising that after he will finish it, he will pass it around until the whole land will be utterly contaminated by people reading The Idiot (in different positions). Yeah. And that’s not all. Well, my dear friends in Jews for Jihad, as you can see, who needs usefulness when everything is just a reflection of who we really are? Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember - if you can't change the history - go ahead, create your own! 8 Dear victims of Jewsforjihadists, including those who got enlightened and left through a door over there, While the red-colored dust on the Afghani and other plains is settling down, we are back to report that Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further JFJ, org.) was officially invited to join the coalition government (?) in the post-post-post carefully balanced and composed Marx-brothers-like administration that will end forever (hahaha) the religious, ethnic, cultural, political, and historic nightmare, called the effective, ruling political entity for all the Afghans (and maybe Pakistani, Arabs, Chechens, Egyptians, Saudis, Yemeni, etc. – if they are still alive, yeah…). We were told that in order to join the new coalition government, we have to change our name. The highly respected representatives from Angola, Rwanda/Burundi, Uganda and beyond, suggested that perhaps we ought to reverse our name to Jihad For Jews delayed orgasmization. Another delegate, from an unidentified country (judging by a dress, probably from a neutral land), came with an idea to call us Kikes On Bikes - KOB or even Itzhik Schmutzik Global – ISG. Anyway, all the suggestions out of deep respect did not exclude the reference to our religious and cultural heritage. A Syrian delegate came with an idea to call us Adolf’s Leftovers Unlimited – ALU, but it did not go well with a proposal from an Iranian delegate who proposed a name such as: Jews In Permanent Exile Sub-branch – JIPES who, together with a Pakistani delegate, concluded that the future Jews should be wearing yellow turbans all over their bodies with a backside crosshair marking. A delegate from Iraq, sporting a new wheel chair courtesy of his boss for spitting in wrong direction, whipped out a water gun and shouted: let’s call them ZIP (Zionists in Pieces). A Russian delegate wanted this type of body to eat ice-cream 24 hours with a tattooed number on a tongue and a Palestinian delegate concluded that our name should be: Non-Jews For Non-Jews, Inc. – NJFNJ. We have politely but firmly rejected name-changing, citing our rich history of ineffectiveness when it comes to looking for a shelter under a new, nice sounding name. Well, we shall leave it to you, our loyal and doubtful supporters and foes to come up with an alternative name for our org. for our brief future. Let your fantasy and imagination take you to those distant shores from which there is no return… Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – if you can change the history - go ahead, don’t do it… 9 Dear (you know who), It has been long time since Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org), issued another statement, referring to the recent events, including what is going on in the garbage disposal next to you. So while you soundly sleep, someone else is roaming and rampaging through many garbage cans in order to find out the meaning of life. As we all well know, the meaning of life is not to be found in a garbage can, don’t we? Anyway, many of you will immediately ask – what has this to do with the important world events such as the one right now occurring on the yellow hills of Afghanistan or around little bit more green hills of LA? Here we go. As our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky is fond of saying: seemingly unrelated things actually have hidden strings attached. Since he usually does not elaborate on it, we shall leave his thoughts in their pristine and virgin-like innocent quality. However, as a founder of JFJ, org., I am obliged to explain what he probably meant. Our mental seismographs have detected a lot of activity on the quartz hills around Can’tdomyhair. Our special JFJ invisible units had actually a kosher breakfast with two bearded men who thought it was halal. When they discovered that there were fooled, swallowing a piece of everything-bagel, they decided for bialys and then they ate their expired driver licenses from Chicago, New York, San Francisco, Boston, Dallas, and Santa Barbara. The samples from their stool, taken under the cover of night by our courageous unit, have shown the traces of renewed documents with unlimited expiration dates. So, as you can see, feel and smell – it is over, although not completely. What about BA, MA and PhD diplomas? Terror never stops and vigilance is more important than ever! Do not let them possess any certified paper, that’s it. Next. The real future of JFJ, org. as seen by Moby Dick or Why are the Russkies back in Afghanistan? Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – if you can’t find history, it ain’t. 10 Dear and semi-dear Jews For Jihadists and other rather loosely related parties, From Cave with Love is our newly adopted motto, in case you don’t care to know. Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further JFJ, org.), but you already know this, have recently sent an emissary to notorious Cat Stevens, known among the worldly, holy people as Yusuf Islam to compose an anthem for our relentless org. JFJ, org. We came to the conclusion that a carefully crafted hymn should be composed and/or not of absolutely senseless lyrics and its music should express lost innocence in the dentist’s waiting room while watching enhancing TV commercials and browsing through equally enriching colorful magazines full of absolutely nothing, usually suggesting something. But this is a topic for a different type of organization that has nothing to do with any orgasm. We have received many submissions and decided to put all of them together and create, so called free flow of nicely displayed disgust. For example: Silver string of the spider point of view, suddenly you put on a gas mask. Viola, and what are we having here? A JFJ, org. haiku that must be repeated 100x. However, our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky claims that we should have solicited all most hated, dead composers and during playing our JFJ anthem, we should be spraying roach-killer cans, chanting: Roach is Dead, Long live Cock! Meanwhile, our invisible units from the tortured hills of Afghanistan are reporting voluntary desertions. Since the local females dumped their burqas views (remember - the objects appearing in distance might be closer than you think?), there was a lot of militias’ desertion. Last night a local swimming pool designer from the nearby village Abulaquar completely disappeared for the whole one hour and came back as a Jacuzzi demolisher. So, as you can see – a lot of things have been accomplished since 9/11 and we even did not dare to predict any of them. One thing is sure though, we are not going to be the same schmucks anymore but little bit older and confused, contemplating what kind of smart bombs could really penetrate. Talking about the penetration, have you noticed that you can’t get Viagra in Kabul? One Israeli company came up with an interesting solution. They have sent a Palestinian delegation dressed up as the executioners from Wall Street, advertising holy, steadily rising investment called: Paradise is just around the corner and The Virgins are Waiting. But don’t take Emir’s words for it. Go ahead, check it yourselves. Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember - you wanna history? Go to the local library and ask for the JFJ Reader’s Disgust brochure. 11 Dear, etc… No, we do not have the Web page and never will…sort of. However, our competition, Jews For Allah – www.jewsforallah.com (no kidding here!), do have one with a spinning Star of you know who, over a green crescent. Well, freshly back from the Ramadan Inn, where I did check the special – a room for our kind of Semites on the 13th floor, chamber # 7, extra shower heads…Our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky would never check to that one – but a fierce Taliban schlemayzl Mullah Dada-llulah, apparently made reservation for many accidental visitors-semi tourists to the Emirate of Afghanistan (Awfulistan), at this point on the verge of involuntary fossilization. Dada-llulah, the father of Taliban’s newly emerging art movement, called Bubaballubah (a kind of Dada leftovers), unleashed a doctrine of bearded etchings. Each individual beard hair can be used to pinch an unbeliever and leave permanent marking on the infidels’ bodies so they would not be able to sneak into Paradise in their hungry search for the promised virgins. Bearded converts are a good reminder that things are serious. John Walker, a la Abdul Karim Yarbuti bin Phak, a son of prominent Midwest, white-neck whiskey baron, decided to dedicate his remaining life to meet heavenly virgins, wherever and whoever they might be. But there are the good news and the bad news, as usual. The bad news is that they will become the good one and vice versa. Our not invited delegation at Bonn conference about the funny future was well received but only in German. Amused German officials suggested that we should have our passes stamped with their traditional Jude but finally the common sense prevailed and they only managed to decorate it with capital J. Good enough, said our advisor AAT and took a trip to united Berlin. Anyhow, Jews For Jihad orgasmization (always JFJ, org.) is ready to celebrate the liberation of the Afghan landscape. Our units are strategically posed to take their well-deserved place and are ready to advise the future government how to screw up the things even more. But, hey – that is not so strange and new… Be alert and do not look into mirrors. Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember - you can buy well-roasted history at Fuckucci’s, on the corner of 6th and 7th. 12 Dear Jews For Jihad and other totally unrelated, obnoxious subjects, Yes, it is our 12th statement already that points out to the fact that we are unable to outlive our complete uselessness. During our non-combat units last participation at Tora Bora (probably a copy-cat version of Boring Torah) in which we were directed to interrogate the non-living inhabitants of the cave complex, we came across an incredulous document that only our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky was able to get through and decipher its content, but only when he did not look at it. This particular document, called The Confession of Guess Who – God, quite clearly and strikingly states that (sorry folks but I had a feeling that there was a lightning in my vicinity), he really does not exist, that he cannot understand why for •джйяю☺♀♂! sake, people are so obsessed with his imaginary qualities and why there should be, at the first place, someone like him. We have sent this astonishing document (but only a copy) to the Vatican special section research & development department, called: Those Damned Jews Did It Again! or TDJDIA but were unable to get our copy back in its pristine version. Instead, all we have got was a pink T-shirt saying: Eat My Schmaltz! Eat my schmaltz? Those purple glad friars must have a great sense of semi-humor. Next, we did send our sensational document to the Split Orthodox Synod of Eastern, Little-bit-more-to-the-West and Quite-far-away-from-it Byzantine bunch of golden/silver brocade glad folks, who send us back an e-mail: Remember Jan Hus? Well, we still did not give up and sent this quite heartbreaking document to Mecca to the respected Sharia Court where white linen glad tribal sheiks, imams and Kamasutra camel lovers studied the ink of the document and came to the conclusion that this particular ink comes from the perfidious Yahud people, the usurpers of Ishmael’s blessing priority claim and therefore is invalid. On top of it, any Jew passing by will be forced to eat it smeared with pork fat. What is it a schmaltz conspiracy? AAT asked, upon hearing about the misfortunes of our discovery. By now many of you will ask, what has this complete heresy to do with the origin of the immortal question? Well, it is a quite compelling Talibanic question. As our and your sages used to say: “If you don’t understand a thing, force other to understand it completely!” and there were quite adamant at this. Now, I can hear you asking: What is Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) position to this topic? To this I will only answer with the Mother of all answers – we do not have any position. We are only passing this apparently important discovery to the generation after you and us or rather us and you. As another sage (obviously on a different page) said: “It is not that impressive to be smart, anyone can do it, but try really to be stupid! It helps.” So now, since we have solved the origin or rather non-origin of god once for all - for any adherents of any faith - you can return your library cards, destroy your juice machines and move to Cuba where by mentioning that you are with JFJ, org., you will get a special discount for a tour of the longest undersea tunnel to North Korea. Who said there is no light at the end of the tunnel? Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember - use blood and bitterness on your morning history salad. 13 Dear Jews For Jihadists and some members of their families, We have arrived to the threshold of number thirteen – considered for some weird reasons to possess a kind of marginal, magic powers that had led to such a madness, like for example, no 13th floor on 2 story building, mass atheists suicide on Fridays when it fells on number 13, and signing our famous Declaration of Stupidity for All Mannequinkind, conceived in a deserted, desecrated warehouse in the South Bronx. Well, our orgasmization has no meaningful statement to make in regards of that freaky Babylonian number – but we do stress that our units around Tora Bora have found 13 small caves where those notorious evildoers left their unwashed, smelly laundry, underneath the piles and piles of previously owned toilet paper. Our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky rightly pointed out: Where there is a laundry there must be also an unfinished newspaper-wrapped sandwich and a tobacco spit – all secret codes of Al Qaeda members, trying to confuse the sophisticated weaponry of their (us) adversaries. According to a sketch found on a dead bat, tobacco spit deemed to be a sufficient deterrent to Daisy Cutter. Closer analysis revealed that the author of that notice evaporated upon Daisy’s misleading touch, only his black turban was defiantly flapping on a leased (with 3 more payments to go) Toyota pick-up, obscuring a view through a cracked windshield, thus sealing the fate of Afghanistan. But who cares about a view or a vision? Jews For Jihad, orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) has been asked by many commercial ventures to sell their logo rights. Everyone in a nice business community goes ape about our courageous idiocy. One businessman have asked me whether we want to establish another, mirror-like version of a Jewish state or a county, better a small, rural town with a shopping mall, called Wailing Wall with a big, neon sign: The Work Will Liberate You! I thought it was a wonderful addition to our concept of: let other idiots speak too and mean it. I can already hear many of you restlessly asking: what is a future and not where is a future? The right question is what is the future? The future, my friends, never was (again). So, with our slogan Never Was (Again) – our JFJ, org wishes you the worst holy carnival and may your pockets and valets will be empty, let’s say, 10 minutes from now… And you call this holidays? Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – if you find the history disgusting and hard to digest – go ahead! 14 Dear Jews For Jihadists and your soon to be inherited properties, It came to the Emir’s (mine) attention that our orgasmization integrity (if there is such a thing), is threaten by various groups with completely idiotic names and titles such as: Jews For Jazz, Jews For Jazz(us), Jews For Juice, Jews For Jews, Jews For Halal, Jews For NASA, Jews For Super 8 mm, Jews For Video And Beyond and many other who think that once you attach the first noun to another one you can really experience an incredible state of absolute and final brain damage. Yes, my friends and those on the lesser side! – JFJ, org., guarantees the whole and complete state of certified idiocy, including altering your entire family DNA and turn you into a SFPCA dependent pet. Our degenerated scientific branch, residing near the Pakistani-Afghani borders only recently reported that they have spotted freely floating particles of Osama, traveling towards no-flight zones of Iraq, a beautiful paradise-like entity in the middle of merciless desert and boring, old ruins. A band of mustached men (very radioactive), will welcome your body parts inside the Mother of all countries. If you are lucky, they will manage to tell you that uncle Saddam built the ancient Nineveh (an unidentified birthplace of our brave unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky) when he was only 5 and ½ years young. They will also tell you that vater of all vaters (read v as ph or f) Abraham was an Iraqi freemason who was forced to listen to some, so called Jewish hallucination and by destroying his father’s prayer dolls, he actually did predict the conflict between the two Semitic people, both sporting huge hawkish breathing and snoring devices, occasionally called in low-land Yiddish – nyuphak… Now, the other reports are coming in suggesting that many of you who happened to be so unfortunate receiving these completely debilitating JFJ statements are looking for the way out of Emir’s benevolent and beneficial special focus. The official JFJ, org. position to this just like to any other issue is: go take a kike. We have received a sympathetic e-mail from the members of another group in the Middle East that like to dress in white robes, covering the entire body, strapping their waists with real and fake explosives, patting their kids over soon-to-be-exploded heads and chewing on GI Joe’s fruit gum. They call themselves Hamasniks and they too, just like the hilly-billy Pashtuns, believe that the heavenly virgins are waiting for them, after collecting their blown-up bodies piece by piece. In the last sentence of their rather friendly mail, they have suggested that we should leave the word Jihad out of our title and use only Jews For. To which, I, the Emir of our beloved org. respond: Please, ship in your blown-job resume. So while the Alliance’s troops and Al Qaeda are playing ass and mule game on the hills of Tora Bora and Pakistanis are blowing themselves on the lime steps of Indian Brahmin democracy, the villains are having good time, god forbid, buying the ticket on the Web for the new Broadway musical Mama Mia!, featuring the cursed and idiotic Swedish pseudo-band Abba. With, never let any Nordic person do music! Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – history is on sale, buy one, get another one free… 15 Dear Jews For Jihad and all other respectable idiots, Jew For Jihad orgasmization (JFJ, org.) has very disappointing news for you. Just as we all thought in when-it-is-over, it-is-over terms, our complete and absolute lack of conscience forced us to make all kind of statements, such as: we shall certainly not overcome (good for a song or two) or when there is war, there is piece by piece, not for sale. You can always sell it later – after separating those who stayed alive and those who for the lack of coverage – passed away. If it sounds too complicated, it is. You see, my JFJ, org. devoted and confused maniacs, the commerce (business) and math go shockingly together. For example, when I was a little Emirek, they found out that half of my brain – the one containing a zone reserved for numbers – was missing. That itself was quite revolutionary discovery that obscured other important developments as well as led to complete rewrite of the aluminum steamer pot manual. My alarmed parents tried everything, including renting me to a local Gypsy troupe for three consecutive weekends with no apparent improvement. Quite opposite, when I returned from my naïve and according to some, primitive anthropological journey, I proudly proclaimed that a horse has not 2, 3 or 4 legs but 5. Zealous local Freudians has seen in it a confirmation of their handmade theory called Tschuzgalka, claiming that this child association with anything that resembles phallus, goes well beyond pure coincidence. I was declared unfit for any large, social party and prohibited to eat roasted chestnuts. Some people were betting large sums of money that by the time I reach 15, I would be completely brainless. They were right and many of them became rich and famous. I can actually hear those with college degrees and up, screaming and shouting: What has this to do with JFJ, org. mission, or its role in the contemporary world!? Well shouted, as our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky usually shouts back, saying - everything! So, is there a life after Tora Bora? That is a crater south of Kandahar (Can’tdomyhair), a place where Alexander, so called Great invented ice skates after he chopped off feet of many local skiers on his user-friendly trip to India. Once a mountain, it was flattened and caved in by crime and punishment, a concept that is as old as punishment and crime. If you expect that JFJ, org. will disappear with the last Taliban illusionist, then you are in for a big surprise. What about those who are picking up newspapers from the subway bins? They stick their well-groomed hands inside a mouth of the big, black container and expect to find the truth that shall set them free. Are they crazy or simply the seekers of enlightenment down there? The frequent and freaky mujahedeen from Harlem, NYC, and USA certainly think so although nobody asked them that yet. So as you can read, JFJ, org. is already (well ahead of time) positioning itself to address an issue of any in-juice-tice occurring anywhere and for any cause. My dear JFJ, org. scattered claimants, that’s right, do report everything you see, except CNN and Al Phukeera news broadcast. Our brave, dust covered and tired non-combat units are returning from the cursed hills of Awfulistan. Almost immediately becoming unemployed, they pose a great threat to our or any society. Therefore, I appeal to all those rich and famous people who got there because of my missing brain to employ our heroic solution solvers and thus secure further decay of our beautifully divided society. Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember - history is a mirage, a phantom begging in front of any Opera thrift store. 16 Dear completely useless Jews For Jihad and those who think they might be one of us but are not sure, While riding down the Prospect Park on a sad, borrowed Emirate horse, named Executive Escalator (a real title, one of the completely screwed up AOL manager is really frequently using), it came to my attention that the rest of our blown up and blown down citizens don’t give a fuckshitbloodvomiting damn* what is really going on in our beautiful turquoise (sometime brown) planet. For example, The New York Post, a significant semi-intellectual daily, widely read in all boroughs, has published an exciting article (12/18/2001) Muscle Tov! with a picture of suspiciously looking bearded man with covered head who has presented surviving skills from Jewrussic Boro Park and beyond. This Talibano-rabbinical looking suspect quite openly, in front of everyone who either pays $ 0.25 or browse through a subway garbage bin (see statement # 15), presented a calf stretch, called Rise Like a Lion. Demonstrating these incredible life-enhancing tricks, this bearded person has done a great service (not yet fully understood and appreciated) to all mannequinkind. Loose tzitzes (hanging linen ropes with 617 good deeds woven into small, intricate knots for the sake of the almighty who have forgotten how to count), are serving as a balancing device and a reminder that not everything is lost. At least until tomorrow. But who really cares or gives a damn* (see the above remark marked with *)? Such a question is more than welcome and should be asked with a conviction, says our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky who usually reads everything that fits to print - upside down. The U.S. special fartces in that cursed land, starting with capital A, are reporting that their ungrateful task of cave cleansing is hampered by our stubborn invisible, non-combat units who don’t want to get rid of their military orthodox strategy – luring a suspect out of hole, using 2 days old egg bagel from The Noah’s Bagels out of Berkeley, CA. The foreign mercenaries are hopelessly pleading to show them the bagels from the Bagel Nosh on the corner of 3rd Ave and 23rd street in NYC, U.S.A. Tough luck, says AAT who sports a pumpernickel bagel hat Made in China by completely tired and exhausted prisoners of various consciousness. The quality of life in a country that people for some strange and funny reasons call Afghanistan, is steadily improving so are the many mines migratory habits. They go where people go. While some Marines are nonchalantly removing some mines, the other Marines are planting more sophisticated ones, hard to detect, so the prosthesis companies from around the Appalachian Mountains can step in and conduct the greatest humanistic effort to eradicate all two leg-children and their DNA related relatives. Another sophisticated bio-company from Baton Rouge, LA came with a proposal how to multiply famous people. They have sent a letter to the Press-I-dent and Pain-tagon, offering their services to multiply Osama B.L. (may his name wouldn’t fit on an artificial marble tombstone). So one (with a proper budget) can have as many Osamas as his/her heart desires. Isn’t great?! a brochure advertises. ‘Imagine, different Osama for every day?’ says a brochure. Osama as a nanny, as a gardener, as a cook, as a lover or even a spiritual healer. “You might say I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one”, the brochure intonates a song, very popular around Tora Bora’s underground culture. Which brings into focus the repeatedly renewed question: What is the meaning of life savings? Some people are quite foolishly trying to separate this unified question into 2 parts – life and savings, JFJ, org. firmly insists on a concept of unity. United we save! and a life starts with a conceptual question: what is the origin of our beloved cooper cents? $ 25 million in small, charming, shiny cents will attract more headhunters and thus forever seal the fate of all present and future abusers. This just in! Our still invisible units, trained in the latest non-combat strategy, have spotted a bearded man with protruding massive lips, masturbating on the peak of the mountain, shouting: Onan-u Akbar! or in plain English with Yemenite-Saudi accent: Onan is great! Closer analysis of his white stuff, mixing with fresh snow revealed his relation to a famous missing link between a complete idiot and a one on the way to achieve it. Well, my followers, such are the sad news about life and savings. If you don’t believe me, try opening one at the same time. Maybe it is the right moment to open our own bank Jews For Jihad Orgasmization Completely Insecure Savings & Mistrust Unlimited, Selah – JFJOCISMUS. I personally and emiritarilly guarantee that after a few attempts you all will memorize this crispy sounding acronym and loose a lot of money. So, is there a life after savings? You asked, you answer… Yours Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember - use baking soda when making the history cup cakes aimed at perfidious, insecure morning market 17 Dear absolutely hopeless Jews For Jihad and you, yes, you over there, hiding behind a sign: Going Out of Business, The astounding success of our completely useless but nevertheless courageous orgasmization, has reaped its long deserved fruit (s). Only recently, we were very carefully approached by a company called Nothing Is Sacred Encyclopedia Idiotica, NISEI, to explain the mysterious behavior of the famous Mullah Omar while visiting the holy Cloak shrine in Kandahar (pronounced as Can’t do my hair), prior to his miraculous vanishing act (as a monk to Mt. Zion). Mullah, let’s call him O, was naturally so excited upon seeing the piece of garment (being born without one) that instead of facing mandatory Mecca, he stubbornly insisted to face Haifa. We asked Fuckeer (pronounce Fakir) Muhammad – a local militia leader of the undisclosed bazaar vegans – to explain this incredulous behavior. He looked at us and with a smirk so famous that it made to the NYT (front page –12/19/2001), proclaimed: “This is what Afghanistan is. We kill each other.” Upon this revelation the world has become a better place to live and piss. That’s until another fraction – the militant market vegetarians – will have something to say in the months to come. Next, we were asked to explain the difference between Shi’ah and Sunnis. We looked to the East; we looked to the West, the South & the North and found out this. Ready? Nothing for the weaklings. We should have used the red ink here since the history of this split (just like any other), is so liquidishly bloody and so masterfully propagandized that one need to take deep breath or go to see another blockbuster idiocy from the hills of LA, CA. Now, when we asked NISEI why, they quite understandably answered: why not?! Our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky who came back crying like a baby has conducted our research. “When I was a baby, I never cried”, he said apologetically and submitted the pieces of his absolutely non-scientific survey. After Mohammed (not O) died in 632, A.D. his immediate successor became trusted Abu Bakr, the father of Mohammed’s favorite wife A’isha. (Shall we continue? Yeah, go ahead…) Abu Bakr was immediately challenged by Ali, a parental cousin. Wow! Abu and Ali were both opposed by Omayyads of the rich Quraish clan, the bankers of early I-slam, but not You-slam. Soon, the next targeted victims of this avalanche-like faith became the Zoroastrian Persians (today fanatical Iranians) who were decisively defeated by a new rising star Omar (not the Mullah) almost 5 years after Muhammad death, the Arabs swallowed the ancient but weakened Sasanian-Persian empire. It took them another 20 years to digest it. The partial revenge for this humiliating defeat came in a form of a poisonous dagger stabbing (a favorite among the US converts) by a Christian Persian slave; yeah, man. After that the two chief contestants for the caliphate became Ali, Mohammed’s cousin and a husband of Mohammed’s daughter Fatima and Othman who married Mohammed’s daughter Ruqayya (and you thought it’s easy). Othman won but not for long. His own people successfully butchered him in 656 while reading the Koran in his house. O.K., Ali became a caliph (what a title?). It was a great period for many sects (just like any time), popping up like the poisonous mushrooms. You can get high but you can’t hide, as our AAT elegantly remarked on Saturday June 5th, 1991 or 2001? Anyway, Ali was finally killed in 660 and soon transferred by the merciless legends into a hero to a group of worshipers who called themselves the Party of Ali – Shi’ah Ali. These fellows were absolutely convinced that only Ali and his line could be true caliphs. Their opponents, the vast majority of the orthodox believers, became to be known as Sunnis, from Sunna, “the way”, based on Mohammed’s revelations recorded during his lifetime. You got it? No? Don’t worry. They didn’t get it either. Here comes – Mu’awiya, Ali’s rival who too was almost killed by the zealots but survived and after some pitched battles with another sect – the Byzantine Christians. The other sect, the Jews (us) didn’t fathom what is in the store for them from both sections in the years to follow. Anyway, Mu’awiya became a sayyid (an almost yid who always says yeah) and moved to Damascus (a cooler place than Mecca with better view, slaves and food). That’s not all, my beloved idiots. Check this one out! Hussain, Ali’s son was defeated in 680 by another Omar (oy, too many of them!). Since then the Shi’ites observe this day as a public mourning (see Iran – but do not see Iraq), by flogging themselves with whips to increase blood circulation, splashing it all over not so innocent bystanders. You see, we have warned you. So what’s is the result of this nice theological inquiry? You ought to go back to schools, write long papers, get some grades, get out and start to work in McHalal & McTreyfe nutritionist salons for a symbolic salary of $ 5.75 a day and watch people slowly being poisoned by the great American leftover revolution. The great framers of this concept really understood the necessity of having a gut conviction. You are what you believe what you eat. But don’t get discouraged. And you thought, history can’t be funny…Go to the local library and start to eat your favorite history pages. You never know…At least you don’t have to write it… Your Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – eat the history pages 2x daily, after the main meal. Herbal laxatives and colonoscopy are optional. 18 Dear Jews For Jihad followers and the Siberian deejeridoo designers (sober), In our last statement, which we, the Emir, benevolently call Press Releases, we have ventured into a brief history of an incredible humanoid capacity to misunderstand absolutely meaningless ideas. We have attempted to make a certain point that our blood is most probably a precious liquid, an assumption that has been consequently rebuked by many people’s cultures over and over. After we have proved that there is no such a goofy being as so much revered dividend providence only dividends provided you have some, majority of this earthly pollution keep insisting that based on their religious set of rules, they have spotted, for example: Jesus’ long hair in a Williamsburg rabbi’s soup; Moses’ pimple on the face of one of the mighty leader of the Western world, Mohammad’s clipped nails on an artificial Christmas tree, Buddha’s sperms chasing each other on Hawaii, and Saddam’s erected pistol in a mouth of a marsh Arab. Oops, sorry – but let’s leave it at this. When JFJ, org. read the famous discovered document The Confession of Guess Who – God (PR # 12) to the chief Rabbi of that “shitty little country” – a recent statement by a French ambassador whose family secretly collaborated with the Krauts during WWII, the response came back almost immediately: moshiah@forever.come. Of course, we did not take it seriously and dispatched our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky to Sri Lanka to find the proper lotus position. Upon his return, AAT immediately converted to agnosticism – a weightless state of mind in the face of an irrefutable proof that mind & matter are not related. At least not in this century. Now, many PC people and those who can’t live without it, are by now, hopefully, outraged to the point that they would like to join our orgasmization - an mass. Surely, we understand this, but sorry folks – no membership necessary – for you all are born automatically with JFJ, org. membership in your tiny palms. AAT will now make his rounds to collect long overdue membership fees, reflecting the economic situation in El Amarna, 1379 B.C. during the reign of that degenerated pharaoh Akhenaton. His short and controversial rule was a result of misplaced identity and being born little bit too early. Actually, Akhenaton was also a founder of very similar movement to ours – Pharaohs For Jews (PFJ) but failed miserably since there were no Jews around. Talking about being at the wrong place at the wrong time! These obviously completely idiotic references have nothing to do with our Keystone cops reality. Defeated Taliban finally decided to change their mystical name to BanTaligaucho and as their future residence – the choice has fallen onto Argentina – a beautiful, peaceful, volcano-like country, full of Italians, beef jerky, lama-alpaca mountain farmers with small square mustaches under their Aryan noses, with a thick Bavarian accent. Their leader O’Slama IchBin Leiden proclaimed that every lama should wear woolen hair over their eyes and can’t freely mix with the horny goats since they look very Jewish. The reference to the Israelite faith was purely coincidental, BanTaligaucho’s spokeswoman mentioned in their issued statement to the international but not local press. So while the Argentina’s economy is closing down, their supermarkets remain wide open. BanTaligaucho also announced establishment of not so secret militia El Coyote, designed to harass small planes and selected automobiles with Wankel’s engines. Obviously it is difficult to keep in pace with the recent events – but do not worry – JFJ, org. is always here to invent the new ones without any reference to anything. Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – when not sure, you can always copy history at Adolf Pinko’s or (forgive me) diese historische mischung ist vollkommen idiotisch (this historic malaise is completely idiotic)… 19 Dear Jews For Jihadists orphans and other partially demented enemas, Here we go again! Just when you all thought our madness has no relation to the snake-like reality out there – we all are astonished by the simple fact – how can our homemade-brewed reality be so deceiving and beyond any recognition?! Let’s take, for example, innocently looking, and stinky shoes. While they are so insignificantly simple on the ground, they reach completely different function once airborne. So, as our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky says prophetically – in the nearest future everyone shall be assigned a number to his/her underwear – for future screening. No more easy-going, nonchalant strolling through the x-ray machines and no more treacherous camouflage with deceiving brown spots. Each particular spot will be thoroughly inspected and analyzed by our Brown-shirt units at undisclosed locations worldwide. So when a brown spot hits a fan, we all will be able to see that incredibly dim light, shining cross many centuries over governments sponsored religious hallucinations. We (JFJ, org.) are confident that many of you will in fact; discover a new meaning of being created-based-on-our-image, hovering over inexhaustible humanoid idiocy. We have just received an application from, no one else and no lesser figure than our pop-u-allah Mullah Omar (may his ears will grow inside out). In a column – religion – the charismatic Mullah O., filled in: no more. Puzzled by his matured frankness, AAT decided to visit his almost-homeland Afghanistan again & again. As the new interim government is about to take its well-poisoned place in the schmootzig history anuses, the secret reports are sneaking back that Tora Bora region will be turned into a huge recording studio with a sole purpose to produce absolutely idiotic rap lyrics, starting a new rap movement: Rape Pubic. We have intercepted some pretty obvious lyrics, such as: “I shit on your burqa, my dear aunt Shulka (repeat 32 times). Take it seriously, my brother or I’ll display your sautéed brain on the local bazaar, tent # 10…” Taken aback by this sheer audacity of not-yet-checked young movement, we’ve questioned its tremendous, enriching value, especially in the inner cities, known to breed countless number of semi and real idiots. Upon contacting the executives from the recording indo-streets, we were assured that this sleazy, plain cream cheese idiocy is only a temporary phenomenon until the top managers get all they want. Now back to the dangerous shoes. Contacted by already mentioned Hamasniks, we (JFJ, org.) were warned again not to use the word: Jihad. The letter says: “The fucked up Jews can’t have their Jihad and eat it too! We suggest collaborating on a rap song that will explain to the very outside world the essence of our struggle. We suggest an Exquisite Corps method. We shall provide one stanza and you another…Here is our (Hamasniks): ‘I walked down our Holy Land and what do I see – a wrongly circumcised band. The Itziks, the Yids, the Kikes, the not-yet-finished Jews, it is time to pay some dues…” JFJ, org. lines: “Wait a minute, you Ham & Ass, let me stick it up your…my kind of brass that’s shiny and metal; after I am through, I deserve an equally shiny medal…” We have also got some submissions from the lesser known groups such as: Used Olive Oil for Peace, a dissent, splinter group of dissatisfied Bedouins dreaming of a homeland in Montana. Their lyrics go like this: “ Hosanna, Hosanna, where the f…k is Montana when we need one!? Tell me, my friend or foe where can I defrost my toe…If you ask me, too much snow for my Jihad, I wish I could be back at Riyaad (next to Mecca), horny Iblis (devil), when can I get a head in Ramalah? Just follow that yellow star line and everything is gonna be fine…in sh’allah…” Our lines: “ We’ve seen your mullah riding a new convertibilah, shaved like a baby, he sucked on his thumb (maybe), singing – I wanna hold your pelvis like your Elvis that degenerate heathen, turning our youth into women and vice versa, lalalala…” It is very painful to copy lines such as these but to reinforce our default domain – idiocy at any cost – JFJ, org. is convinced the future visitors from out of space will finally discover the true nature of our yellow (sometimes green-peas color) planet. Tell me, who can surpass us in our endless capacity to be faithfully stupid? Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember - when taking a history shower, use cold war only, the hot will follow later… 20 Dear Jews For Jihad and Houdini’s sectarians, Idiotically speaking, we – Jews For Jihad orgasmization, (further only JFJ, org.) did not anticipate that after issuing so many statements, the world would be a wonderful place to be or not. I’ve heard over and over from many of you (and you don’t event know about it), until I’ve had it up my tooches – what is the position of JFJ, org. on homosexuality worldwide. Let me ass-ure all of you – it is very wide. For example, Romania - a total country with secret multivitamin tendencies. Our completely stupid correspondent from Bucurest Nicolai Gayescu, Jr. confirmed that the moody government in line with its well-proven Transylvanian folkloric tradition, only yesterday passed the law legalizing those strange sexual gymnastic behind our backs. The big gay club The Heaven in the middle of what once used to be called – for some strange reasons – Paris of the Balkans – was besieged by horny determined opponents of our beloved and traditionally screwed-up hetero-heathen gender choice. Our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky, famous for not passing any truth detector devices, declared with his right hand over his massive chest: ”You have to always carry a carrot and a big sticker: When in trouble, my ass is your ass…” AAT also thinks that I, the Emir could be a great ass-et to the situation in Algeria as a don-mob boss-type. If you have forgotten where is Algeria, remember the story of Atlas or charming stories of the French generals roasting the balls of the Berbers resistance fighters on the fire in the desert, reminiscing about Bastille and red-capped Jacobins. Well, you see – that is it! The government and the fuming, fundamentalist fanatics (or vice versa?) have successfully reduced their own population by applying popular Torquemeda’s lost manual: How To Cause Voluntary Confession For Idiots. The only thing they didn’t try was the secret of the Spanish Boots, the old Arabic translation version written from the fairly modern Basque point of view. Well, let’s make it straight. JFJ, org. doesn’t believe neither in reusing toilet paper made in Eastern Europe nor in the Black Hole theories. Do you? Who wants to listen to that cosmic crap that even light can be swallowed or time can collapse until it’s unrecognizable? Certainly not on those watches for $10 (two @ $5 each) in a box, exquisitely sold only on the corner of 6th Avenue and 31st street. Also, by now we all know that digital phones a lot of us are frying our brains with, are actually running on obnoxiousness – a new, untapped source of sustainable energy with almost unlimited supplies – in some parts of Brooklyn, USA. When you sign for 3 years & up, you will also receive free, ecologically friendly bullshit. Back to our country – popular by choice – Awfulistan. The newly formed and immediately deformed government is scratching its hairy head again – how to convince all the dead – they can finally rest in peace. Since the dead are almost unrecognizable from the living – the supreme confusion is sweeping through the land. In some villages, the dead outnumbered the living that lead to more riots and a quite impressive reduction of the living. The score? The dead guests: 1000, the local survivors: 3. That doesn’t concerns well-fed multinational (?) force, favoring kicking the almost alive around to the field kitchen where they serve a specialty – soup a la cretin enigmatique. Of course it doesn’t help but chooy (pronounce chuj) cares? The International Nutritionists Up & Down Association (INUDA), has issued daily requirement statement, claiming that average Afghan adult must eat more than all his family otherwise his chances to see a new flat and absolutely incredible TV screen, are very dim indeed. Sadly, it was also confirmed by the All-Russian-Large-Intestine Confederation (ARLIC), urging the scientists to develop edible paper and latex paint and try it first on the invisible Chechens and perhaps others more visible. So, how are your taste butts today? When in doubt, call freedom-to-eat & swallow emergency number: 646 878-0000 and ask for How To Chew and Speak at The Same Time brochure, written by Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky’s Turkish-Tatar, Hungarian mother. Yours Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember - when discussing history with others - completely ignorant; use the latest edition almanac silencer… 20a (new page numbering!) Dear Jews For Jihad soft & hard soon to be dead on line and off line, In the soft reflection of aggressively displayed x-mas or Goymas (further only Goymas) windows, I’ve seen your astonished faces full of disgust and unbashful hatred. I don’t blame you! One more Goymas song and I think even I will join Al-Quo Vadis militant group, aiming to make radio-disc jockeys and idiotic families humming those muzak crimes against musicality, have many sleepless nights, until the next Goymas. Last night on my way to my incredibly cheap 1 bedroom place, I’ve run across a huge rat whistling: Frosty (pronounced Crusty) the Snowman, tralalala…Needless, full of needles to say, he is not rattling it anymore…Which brings us to a new Osama (may his beard turns pinkish-green with a slight henna on the side) video masterpiece (probably shot near Detroit). The renewed Saladin and Harun Al-Rashid character-in-one, again believes that as a little spoiled Saudi brat, he has been not given his silver Mercedes on time and therefore blames the West for forcing him to pay cash for Jewish-looking Jaguar. Our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky have just remarked that it wasn’t Jaguar but Ashkenazi smelling, egg-proofed golden Jeep with white trimming and slightly metallic blue roof. Jews For Jihad orgasmization, JFJ, org. decided to dispatch a Sephardic-Sweedish-looking intelligence seducer Matza Chara to bring more disgusting details in order to throw it back at your inquisitive and look-at-yourself faces! The point is, who need to talk about those polluting four wheelers potzes (pronounced dicks)? In the I-slamic Republic (hahaha) of Sudan they had sent their ragtag, prehistoric flying birds to bomb the shit out of the stupid looking Cross bearers brethren and incidentally they wiped out freshly glued Ramadan Inn But Never Outt (RIBNO) outfit, called: mortel. The special Jewish wing had extra gas ovens installed (courtesy of the People Republic of Libya, a nomadic, stateless entity in the middle of constantly shifting terrorizing but fascinating sand). Shoeless, yet pacified travelers who don’t read our JFJ statements have no clue what is in store (open 28 hours) for them in the flying months to come. JFJ, org. has uncovered an armpit conspiracy (no countermeasures here!) of gigantic proportions. According to the influential irregular daily The Ol’ Drifting Sand (available only at the underground newsstands on the Kuwaiti-Iraqi borders), thousand volunteers who spent a full month on the hot, exposed Yemeni desert dunes, are generating enough horribly stinking armpit juices capable of killing all Central Park carriage horses, including the squirrels, raccoons and Lubavitcher chauffeurs of Mitzvah-mobile vans. Target # 1? The snowy peaks of the majestic Tatra mountains in the small but cute Slovak Republic, sporting the most ridiculous national symbol (3 hills and a double cross), the same one that conveniently created a shade blocking a view on those transported Zheedzeeks (pronounce: fucking Jews). A few remaining Kikes would be the great guinea pigs (oy!) for armpit terrorists. The final results will be published in Kaa’ba Yearbook for 1941-1944). But frankly farting – who really cares? The focus is shifting on the two Vedic soap opera powers India and Pakistan, showing their rocket fingers across imaginary borders. So while those funny dressed armies are busy conducting Hare-Krishna-like marches, the rest of permanently affected humanoids, soon to be dead are racing through various tunnels in search of the Early Grey tea (with milk) at five on the albino shores of Dover. Some of them are faster then the French & British Keystone cops combined. So what has all this to do with the idiotic premise of JFJ, org.? Good question. Next! Inexhaustible source of constant entertainment is unfortunately providing enough material to JFJ, org. until the next Ice Age (approx. within a year or two). Luckily, a large group of idiot volunteers, employed by the Center of Organized Idiocy to Undermine Simplicity (COITUS) are ready when we aren’t. Your Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – when almost ready to become a victim of history, resist by not paying for The New York Times. You can pick it up at any popular Starbucks coffee chains for free… January 2002 20b (really, notice the new page numbering!) Dear Jews For Jihad with or without the air-conditioner, Despite our consistent warnings referring to absolutely nothing (and sometimes to some invisible particles), we Jews For Jihad, orgasmization - JFJ, org., are besieged by many who demand an explanation as to: what the copulation are we talking about?! Imagine, all this right now when 1 will turn into 2 and many nation states (such as for example Argentina, oy vey caramba!) will turn into an obscure 0. Our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky is wildly gesticulating towards my direction, indicating what kind of 0 are we writing about: -0 or +0? AAT is very upset – he has been just caught in action by our vigilant uniformed dickheads, holding his been-almost-everywhere penis and nightly urinating behind a van. That was after he went to see (in a building they call cinema where one can use the bathroom only when entering and not when exiting) that remarkably unbearable, long idiotic kitsch: The Lord of the Rings sequel (how many will follow, oy?!). After the villains and not-yet-done-heroes fatally clashed on a wide screen, AAT was awarded (by their braves) a summon stating: Public Urination. Is it good for the Jews or not? But let’s be less sophisticated and more agreeable with accepting this aspirin reality around us. How come that the countries starting with capital A are so screwed up? AAT (notice – his name contains 2 capital letters A!) thinks because A is the first letter of the Alphabet and takes a lot of ass kicking from the rest. This is whatever century. Whatever happens doesn’t really matter, especially when it turns into whenever. Algeria, Azerbaijan, Angola, Albania, Afgha... (500x oy!), Armenia, Argen… (800x oy!), Alabama, are only the few on the long list and the other are eagerly waiting in long lines to be classified and labeled as uncorrectable idiots. Calculating sons of the she-dog (pronounced: bitch), claim that nothing what JFJ, org. so far predicted will ever, ever happen. Yes, we are proud of this merciless statistics. Well, except one thing – that sad and cursed real estate property called Afghanistan will one day (tomorrow) become a part of the greater Pakistan, filled with little rabies decorated Osamas in various madrases scattered like the fleas around the panoramic post-card mine fields view. Our special anti-flea forces trained in the close pubic crabs combat techniques, reported sexually frustrated mutant mullahs radiating their well-targeted idiocy all over this pitiful land, poisoning the little mines, ready to go. No remedy here, my fellow fellahfuckers! A mine is a terrible thing to blow. Well, instead of mind everything is mined from Bizarre Sharing to Can’t Do My Hair … You should know that by now, the whole world is turning into one huge Tora Bora. Well, here is our petite story directly from the region: “Halt! Who is there?” “A theorist (pronounced terrorist)” “A theorist? What kind of theorist?” “A good one!” “Describe!” “Killing only the overpopulated children and the old, useless no-retirement-plan folks!” “You can pass! Next! Who is there?” “A theorist (remember, it is still pronounced terrorist…)?” “I am supposed to ask the questions!” “Sorry…” “What kind?” “I don’t know…” “You don’t know?” “Let me ask my spiritual butcher!” “OK” “Hi, I am back…” “So what kind?” “A good one…” “Describe!” “Killing only mothers and sisters and completely useless, toothless old women.””What?!” “You know, the ones that everyone else want to kill but doesn’t have guts to do it, blahblahblah…” “Interesting. Let me ask my superior.” “OK, I’ve plenty of time…” “I am back. You can do it under one condition only.” “Yeah…” “You must wear a black tie not made in China!” “Can’t do that.” “Why?” “Everything is made in China.” “Let me ask. Yeah, you are right. Everything is made in China, including my lungs and your babies.” “So what we gonna do?” “Let my spiritual butcher meet your spiritual butcher!” “Not a bad …, man!” And so on, and so on… So, as you can feel and smell, everything is made in China, including the short-life batteries for your beautiful cell phones and the notorious San Francisco’s sour dough. Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Next: the importance of tiny, hard pretzels in the mouth of the famous leader… Remember: you can’t pee and have the dry history… 20c (still, the new numbering!) Dear Jews For Jihad voyeurists, collectors of tin soldiers and other loosely related soft-shell crab eaters, Time after time (notice: not occasionally) eager, confused joiners pointed out to us: what is the meaning of Jews For Jihad orgasmization, JFJ, org. without the presence of a palm tree and a nearby restless fruit fly? That’s why, precisely for this reason, I, the Emir, had to throw my dice direction: Florida and went to visit this funny state where the plastic surgeons have built enormous villas resembling two huge tits from any safe distance. Some bad copies of this kind of pair of breasts are often seen walking the streets of South Beach, Miami, scaring the dogs in heat and heating up minority workers migratory habits. But this wasn’t the only reason why I, the Emir, went down to that sunny piece of land. According to our completely debilitated scientific branch, better known as Keep It Inside Public Ass (KIIPA), seemingly innocent and dangerously fragile fruit fly contains the elementary secrets of life, as we don’t know it. Our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky claims that he has seen a talking fruit fly but is not quite sure whether it was at the Japanese sushi parlor or inside the dirty Cuban joint where serious and at the same time oblivious cucarachas were seen swimming in a jar filled with slowly melting ice water. Meanwhile, back to that totally predictable country called Afghanistan/Awfulistan where local warlords (don’t you just love this word?) are playing the popular game, called ‘don’t check it out!’ thus securing the destruction of their ‘enemies’ with the help of American smart ammunition and safely dumb top & low br-ass. When ‘the enemy is accidentally arrested while in motion, it must be quickly released since it’s not good for legs blood circulation. I can see the Bamiyan’s Buddha smiling. His ruins will be good for a rather large villa for any degenerated tribal head, happening to be in the vicinity. So the tender Afghans/Awfuls are ping-ponging confused Tali and Al Qaeda medieval ass-it-is-holes crossing the borders to Phuckeestan, claiming that it dictated by their inherited hospitality instincts. It is a short cut from hospitality to hospital where the up-to-their-dicks armed ‘guests’ disguised as the starving patients waiting to blow up the intestines out of any dirty, low infidel. Mazl Tov. Don’t we like to be cosmically stupid? Yes, we do, we really are… So while the various colorless but mostly white bimbos and bimboettes with/without huge tits are wasting their absolutely gorgeous lives on the ancient shores of Florida, our Pres-I-dent is attacked by the timed, out-of-space hard pretzels and topples over his du bist mein ugly sofa. This free fall according to the fundamental laws of physics, almost created a vacuum for another headless figurine to step in and lead this mighty nation into yet another glory of this winter capitalism with Enron face, so to wrinkle… Distracted by the obnoxious, ideologically altered fruit fly, the Pres-I-dent chokes on a piece of crunchy edible beast and suddenly sees more stars than they are on our national flag (without the stripes). Which brings us to a rhetorical pose: Did he buy the bag of pretzels by himself or was it sent in by the perfidious and mysterious anthrax personality? I was assured that we would never find out answer to this completely patrio-idiotic question. I accept this challenge and will in due time hire another humanoid to deal with the normal questioning season. So, go ahead, continue to eat your tempting pretzels as if nothing has ever happened. Don’t accuse those innocently twisted sticks of some unnatural behavior. Blessed are those that don’t know how they taste! Everything else is only commentary. Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember: only the salty history remains submerged in the sea of unlimited idiocy… 20d Dear Jews For Jihadists and those lusting to become the permanent world-to-come inhabitants, While recklessly rampaging through the available anuses of classical masters, our Jews For Jihad, orgasmization, (JFJ, org.) special search & menstruate unit (SAMU), came upon a curious docu-drama discovery. Loosely glued pages revealed the shocking but simple wisdom. As it turned out, all so much loved and revered masters were in pure essence complete schmucks, including their pets and employers if there were any. For example, W. Shakespeare. Frustrated bastard son of an unemployed UFO crewmember and a vicious Irish swimmer-mother, obsessed with a dream to swim in the Baykal Lake. Young William could never figured out what English he should be actually writing in. By the time he had come to some pretentious conclusion, his drunken laundry washers composed most of his ‘famous’ works. This, hopefully, sacrilegious truth is of course hard to swallow, especially for those idiots-professionals who make a good living analyzing and translating one of the greatest of schmucks. However, do not blame JFJ, org. for it. It is all out there. Where? Take another schlemayzl – M. Cervantes. Permanently delirious but loving marrano (pronounced: a converted Jewish pig), wasted his childhood by watching the stationary windmills and reading the water solvable pornographic materials smuggled in by the perfidious Berbers across from Gibraltar in their notorious leaking boats. Is it possible that this famous novel could be in fact a first long gay literature? You are asking us? And what about the pious looking Karl Marx? Now, here we are talking about a grandiose, grosse schmuck. Failing to impress himself as a Jew, he decided to become a nobody. Nobody this, nobody that until he ran to a goy - F. Engels, another self hating capitalist prick who told him to sit still at the British Library, gave him a generous monthly stipend and ordered him to write a report – how is it to work for a real, dirty capitalist? Soon, the answer came and…never left. Selah. Yes, my dear male/female fuckheads, and that’s not all. Suffering from the post-rabbinical syndrome, Karchee (Gypsy for Karl) started to beat his wife, attempted to seduce his own daughter and in desperate act of protest sold his Ph.D. diploma on the Ottoman run flea market in Flossing, thus becoming an obsolete asshole in the eyes of selected nomadic revolutionaries. Do we need to dwell on unfounded rumors that most of his hallucinatory writings were, in fact, done by the pogrom modified experimental Russian Jews and untrained, unionless tarot card readers? I guess not… Which brings us back to our safely idiotic reality. While the international circumcised people are not yet united, boy, they sure do beat the scheise out of each other with a great gusto. Our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky, unsuccessfully circumcised at the peak of popular Stalinist purges, claims all is a question of the cutting edge – we are entering a new brit milla-nium. I, the Emir, with many others, wonder, who buys this idiotic potz? Apparently, the dick market is as unpredictable as any risky investment. It’s up and down or down and up, depending on your market penetration orientation. We live in the world of an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a body for a body, a dick for a prick, a blown head for a blown pussy, and so on. This, my friends(?) is a blowing period and there is no answer in any screwing wind… Let’s take apart Osama (may his full, misspelled name appears on out-of-date Preparation H package). This very Mu-slim who thinks Marx is a famous Damascus caliph from the 11th century, has a tendency to disappear when most wanted. Known for his utmost disdain for the transparent condoms, this schmuck alone fathered more little idiots faster than any Roman-Catholic priest manages to abuse petite boys in the name of that unsuccessful Jewish carpenter with a thick Aramaic accent. Hossanah & Hallelujah Unlimited (HHU). So, do not forget to wide open your mouth when any doctor tells you. You might even say something…Aren’t we lucky to be located at the bottom of the notorious food chain scheme? Yours, Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember: history has a tendency to repeat: lalalala when you expect it the least. Next: the history of rock-n-roll as seen through a jellybean… 20 d ½ - look, really a new numbering!!! Dear Jews For Jihad and cosmically frustrated, tofu eating somnambulists, It has been long time since completely petrified out of his shrinking mind Jimi H. performed his electric chair national anthem. Now many of you not-yet-born-then would only remember Jimi from a Spam commercial – a delicious processed resemblance of a pink & rose color poop, suitable as a secret ingredient for home made explosives, popular among All-You-Can-Eat vegan terrorists. Jews For Jihad orgasmization, JFJ, org. is not here to defend or desecrate the obnoxious, dark history of R & R. However, since we do make statements to almost any issue (even the one we invent), we are un-bashfully compelled to drop a shit or two about the period that has almost forever changed the fate of our mannequinkind. While some rock & roll maniacs dropped dead long time ago before they could mumble anything intelligent and intelligible, the others got mummified for the sake of royalties and other fashion related topics such as Golden Shit Award for the cleanest hotel toilet, anal-drugs-taking conferences or penis enlargement and sucking festivals on the shores of Bermuda triangle – from, as we all know it, there is no escape. Still, others insisted on profound changes such as sporadic name changing or replacement of the deaf, reluctant drummers. Fed up with the simplicity and obesity of their fans, many embarked to seek a spiritual enlightenment in the Guru Gulags (GUGU), until they ran out of cash and gray matter. Those lucky ones got killed by their loyal groupies so the rest could lift them up to their idiotic sainthood and sell their relics such as: split pubic hair from a bar in Berlin or a used condom rim, left behind from a snorkeling tour in Algeria. Of course, we all know the animosity of uneducated jazz freaks (brass & drug graduates - BADG) towards the 12 bar chord yoyos until the arrival of that dreaded concept - fusion. Stolen from the atomic café era, this necessary idiocy alone destroyed more bands than a nuclear device alone should have if applied. Then, the world music arrived. What was left was a pitiful site: a landscape filled with anti-music ghosts pretending to perform rather than create. A new religious fever developed, complete with icons, rituals, dress codes, and sweet bank accounts and stupid looking over-pierced bodyguards. This world was all of a sudden stuffed with Madonnas, Houstons, Caryes, Jacksons, Spears and other air headed imitators of what was once a great musical tradition. Shortly after this disaster, we have arrived to this completely idiotic perversity called: techno-electrolux-rap-sleazy-debilitating malaise, suitable for those after lobotomy and beyond, yeah. Anyway, these lines are from the report paper by our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky who repeatedly took Discovering Dead Lead Singers 101 class at University of Sodom, AL (always taken when a thermometer reached 10˚ F). Which brings us to the heroic ex-Tali, ex-al Qaeda inmates residing at Guantanamo Naval base on that tropical and typical paradise called Cuba (si, but who not?). The sensitive globe is very concerned with human rights of these fresh prisoners. They are not supposed to eat tuna fish out of a can. Especially outraged is that immortal asshole ex-attorney general Ramsey Clark, known for his exhilarating golden shower skid with Noam Chomsky’s Guerilla City revolutionettes. They believe that captured idiots should be immediately released and send to the Lower East Side and open a café Tora? Bora! as well as being decorated by the honorary doctorates from Columbia University for their suffering while at hands of merciless mullahs and drunken, unidentified Marines. AAT says: Hit ‘em with music! Let them dance Havana Gillah muzak until they jump over that razor fence and jive on sharks wetbacks! Then bring them back and put headphones on their funny looking heads (after shaved off), playing Mile’s Bitches Brew, Jimi’s above mentioned grilled hymn, Zappa’s Broken Hearts Are For The Assholes, until they will cry: We want to return back to our kindergartens that we have missed when we were little fanatics and had to play with Kalashnikov babies (until we reached the age of 35 trained to annihilate the job market)! This just in! As it turned out, under the carp-like Osama’s (may his name turns into crispy, popular pork chips) face – made out of 100% pure Malaysian rubber, there was a real Stalin-Groucho Marx face of Saddam von Iraq, the favorite of the reddish West European youth crying over the spilled baby milk of poor Iraqi midgets, forced to loose their weight while false Groucho builds his 110th presidential palace, faster than any mongoloid sheik before him. This, of course, led us to a legitimate question: “Does one has to have a mustache to look stupid?” The answer, my friends, is farting with the mustache wig on… Yours, Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember: continue to sit on the history eggs unless you wanna leave it to the professionals. 20 d ¾ - are u following the new numbering? Dear Jews For Jihad & other well-meaning international, national, local and really very near idiots, Just as you have arrived – once in your life time - to that itching thought that nothing is impossible when it comes to the humanoid inherited, un-bashful idiocy and mediocrity (usually traveling together), we had been confronted by those who think the opposite. While they admit that there is a slight possibility to surpass our daily idiotic dosage, they are still capable of presenting to us a proof of what a person with money, camera, lights and bunch of hungry, pathetically underpaid, moving actors, can really do. That’s right, they do movies! Now, do not consider Jews For Jihad orgasmization, (further only JFJ, org.) as totally opposed to the exhilarating science of moving objects. Our org. has been known and seen to move a thing or two in our Humanoid Idiocy Archive Objectively Humidified (HIOH) when looking for used handkerchief of Greta Garbo, only to find out that it was heavily employed by the last relic from the Austro-Hungarian shopping mall empire - Zsa Zsa Gabor as an early, primitive breast implant – unsafe at any touch, so to squeeze. The mad conspiracy of the celluloid makers, frame perforators and special effect persons, also called directors, have created a moron-like landscape filled with drive-ins that were later on closed anyway, thus leaving us with the wild hordes of undernourished movie-goers who need their daily fix of undulated idiocy, result of brain cells overexposure to bad taste, ideas constipation and absolute lack of pre and post communication skills for which this earthly humanoid pollution takes such a pride in. What was I trying to say, my dearest enemas? Aha! Our special effect units, combating those who claim that after all they were and are plenty of ‘good’ movies and creators, have just confronted a secret, indie group in Mogadishu, Somalia (not Afghanistan!) swearing to be responsible for that special effect bringing down a black helicopter, back then when the U.S. Delta force thought they are in Key West, Florida on Club Mad vacation. Our unknown veteran advisor Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky insisting in seeing all color moving images in black, occasionally in white too, claims that every movie is reality and every reality is a movie. But, for example, casting Osama (may his name appear in every movie in the small Cyrillic print) as a Taxi Driver in Albany, NY, giving a ride to mullah O. to his appointed conversion to the Aquarian-style Jewish faith, was seen as a nice attempt to miscast uncastable characters. Well, it’s time to movie on, my dear perforated heads. According to Dr. Whogivesa, in the nearest future we will not need anything operating on unreliable batteries. Instead, we will use screens, replacing our faces so we will be able to watch each other. No more parental or any other mental warnings from the League of Vaporized Humanoid Exposure (LOVHE), residing in the basement of undisclosed third world country’s consulate in Rapid Fools, Iowa. Finally, liberated from every speck of contagious freedom of choice, we will be free not to choose – an idea as old as your prehistoric VCR player, facing an onslaught of beautiful shit-proof devices aimed to make you poorer and totally dependent on eating hamburgers, two for only $ 0.99 and disgusting pop-corns – the pimples from hell. The victory of our civilization has thus accomplished its final, well-deserved blow-job that will propelled it towards an absolute stage of complete idiocy – a condition predicted and expected before the dawn of the mammals obsessed with moving objects. But, please no more vampyre movies or I will start to drink the soymilk! On the other hand, why don’t make a vampyre movie, sucking all the liquids out from the stupid college kids who effortlessly, sexually abuse permissive Spiderfucker and his flying, permanently damaged super friends?! No more rice-pudding-Japanese-animation – an unfortunate post-effect of the Hiroshima blast. What? Oh, yes, more of the special movie houses sliced to the tiny cubicles where you will be sitting fed with KFCH (Kentucky Fried…you know what); until you will realize that you have actually never left your office or home! And that’s not all… Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – when filming static history; don’t forget to use forgery-moving professionals. 21 (finally) Dear Jews For Jihad, soon-to-be-unemployed new Pentium chip dusters and Ground Zero applicants, Now, many of you are absolutely and fatally convinced that it must be extremely, vulnerably difficult for Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) to come up almost every humanoidly possible hour with fresh and unorthodox idiocy. I must assure you, my dear lickers, that it is the opposite of simple truth. The very nature of our mannequinkind mental state is such that we actually compete with an astonishing grace – who is the largest (sometimes biggest) idiot, with lower i case. Let’s sniff to our eating habits and customs, an evolutionary, catastrophic deformation that went unnoticed for many centuries until that unfortunate arrival of restaurant reviewers ( a conspiracy of hungry rich Enron-like people, high-rent joints and always thirsty reviewers) on our virgin sushi shores. It is true, as a cliché goes, while we eat almost everything that moves and can’t move, we also don’t move too much when being eaten. Well, for example, tartar beefsteak, full of visible and invisible parasites – is still a specialty of lumpen-proletariat worldwide – but no one was or is writing about it – until right now. What about cheese, that suspicious looking critical mass full of transient worms with tiny backpacks on? They are especially valued in a country that takes a special pride of being a birthplace of Asterix and Obelix - two traditionally non-Christian barbarians, known for constantly reducing the gluttonous Roman legions, famous for vomiting everywhere and on everything, including on Brutus’ knife until it became unrecognizable from any ordinary blade. Talking about reducing. We decided to visit Poland, a famous reduction country. First they attempted to reduce us – He-brews (and they almost succeeded) then they got rid of Roman Polanski (a famous compulsory eaterchik), after that they hired an electrician to fix blown out red fuse and out of solidarity with their crucified heritage they even found a guy who wanted to play a pope! It didn’t help too much – now many of them are getting successfully rid of old patients in the state hospitals in order to collect the fees from the funeral cannibal parlors. The bigotry so wide spread that they even named dish after it – bigos (warning: contains sauerkraut!). This is not intended to become a culinary guide for the stupidly perplexed, although a temptation is here with Emir. Have you heard the news? What news? In one China’s province slanted eyes humano-mongoloids ate all the snakes thus helping rats to laugh all the way to their pagoda-like homes. And this is a country that invented gun powder as well as cheap labor. Not only they ate snakes and other elastic beings, they also would give everything to suck on tiger’s balls and drink bear’s bladders or throw a shark or two into their lunch-hour special boring soups. O-nedola, o-nedola, sheik it out, sheik it out! - one can hear in the NY.C. pristine subway, the extension of Tora Bora complex, hiding the secrets of microwave oven reincarnation specials. I can already smell our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky’s one-man hunger strike in front of the Hungarian mission to the UN (United Nothingness), demanding to release the secret of multi-fish specialty, called Halasle – a violent combo of 5 or more different species of dead fish, and extreme cayenne pepper. All directly from the rental agency Rent-A-Heavenly-Alternative-Breath (REAHAB) plus a wooden spoon, a necessary relic going way back when Attila, the Hungry, disliking the use of chopsticks, ordered his Khazar captives to come up with a different design. It was a trial & error period when many foolish designers paid dearly for provocative attempts, such as, for example, drilled-through chopsticks so one can comfortably eat and drink at the same time (an idea wholeheartedly adopted by the groupies in the 60’s and some present-day global executives). Long before the concept of nation-state, the countries fought and battled from a point of view of nation-food – gastronationalism. For example, the Turkish idea of shishkebab/doner style fast food, created tremendous upheaval in neighboring Georgia where grilled dead meat has been a delicacy for many cruel years. Turks and Georgians used to borrow each others mustaches and both pretended that were are no Armenians around. Now, excuse me, what kind of people ride horses today and chase a dead lamb carcass around? It’s a national gastric-sport of that cursed land which, for better or worse we call Afghanistan. No wonder they don’t have gas or electric ovens! Who needs ‘em when you ground your meet down to very miniscule pulps? After that you just go out and kill a person or two, another national past time of these peculiar debilitated, turbaned humanoids… It all depends on how fast you live, my dear world constipators. The faster food you eat the fastest, the slowest process of your idiotic transformation will occur. Next time, ask half-made burger to be put between your palms and slap it hard! The ultimate gastronomic direct contact experience. The Russians, when not busy eating & exporting false caviar, together with a band of Finnish dissidents think all day around that vodka is a real health food. It’s a direct threat to the stockpile of borscht legacy (foolishly not included in any serious multilateral treaty). In well-deserved NGO stupor, they are looking for that red button to finish the world as we know it or perhaps we don’t. The Jews (us) & the Arabs (them) fight forever who makes and eats better humus and design rounder olives in the very Holy Land. Thus, the gastronomic peace always ends in intestinal wars. One schmuck smacks another, and this is going on and on. I wonder where is the Almighty when needed. He is out for lunch!, so to create. Let’s not talk about the Czechs and Slovaks; they pretend they love to eat anything that’s harmful to one’s health and blame their omni-present past for it. While in Europe, the last time Germans really know how to cook & eat was when Bismarck fired his Jewish chef who kept insisting on calling Chancellor’s favorite pork chop – the dove breasts. Let’s not talk about the British where good food is permanently displayed in the natural science section of the boring British Museum, separated by thick glass. But why are we talking about food? Because we are hungry each time we are. I mean, it’s really boring to eat every day and then dealing with the production of that smelly, abstract brown sculptures. Talking about shit, my dear producers, have you ever been in a Chinese restaurant behind the curtains? I thought so. Last night I passed by a Chinese restaurant that had a sign: All Family Pet Store & Szechwan Delicatessen. The menu header said: Kosher only during the rush hours, halal in the morning and all the rest in the evening. Wanna see a Chinese aspirin? Around the corner pizza owner had a sign: Basta! Eat my crappelini and win a trip to Mad Cow Disease National Preservation Park in Utah. That night AAT dreamt about the devil with a pair of Hebrew National hot dogs on the top of his tortured head instead of horns, swimming in the seafood soup. That’s it! No more free napkins from that Brothers & Sisters butcher shop! Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – when eating history, have your fingers inspected by our burping specialists. 22 Dear Jews For Jihad sticker scouts, involuntary bicyclists and other toll-bridge opponents, It’s not quite a regular environment for our Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.), to be vehemently confronted with typical and topical issues such as: male-female cacophony during cat-scan screening and mating; unsuspected erection while talking about the world’s peace; chewing on a lottery ticket before the #s are revealed or attempts to recycle previously, slightly owned loved ones. Now, many of you are completely baffled and outraged by our insistency on fulfilling some idiotic preconditions: 1. to misunderstand our firm and unshaken conviction that if you want to exist or even read these words, you must be void of any connections to so much abused reason and violated logic. (There is no 2). Don’t even think for a second that even though you fell under the category of the New York Times readership, you will be exempt from the above-mentioned safe boardwalk to a required idiocy. We have had some cases of humanoids who tried to sneak in under the pretext of belonging to: a) not yet developed and discovered species; b) non-Latin alphabet readers and pronouncers; c) defenders of rouge and completely stoned & screwed up entities; d) all of the above and beyond. Fucko-frankly speaking, we are running out of reasonable space for our followers and deconstructive enemas. As our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky is fond of saying: “If you show a compassion in this world, in the world-to-come you will be severely punished for being too selective…” Even I, the Emir, am baffled by this crystal clear simplicity and heartbreaking idiocy. If you think you are one of those fortunate-ones who understand this world better by analyzing it via all available accomplishments of reason, logic, morals, esthetics and other Atlantis-like attributes, you must be out of this world! Only yesterday we have received a letter from the International Glamorous Idiots (IGI), proposing to organize a mammoth gala fundraising event for JFJ, org. at Mason Squared Minefield. The world famous glamour-idiots (glaids) will voluntarily participate, donating their pissed-on tuxedoes and abused bras (all sizes) as well as unbelievable farts quickly caught and bottled for resale value of only $199.99 (open one, open another one free). Sparkling stars such as Meltin’ Sohn with his most idiotic grin would perform naked (no more of his shiny Salivation Armpits & Cold Wish collection costumes); constantly blowing dijereedoo star Briskey Swear will suck on her left tit, the right one will freely circulate around to be touched by the frenzied crowd of fired fire-eaters. Gum-diseased archeological star Itching Jackasson will show his 100th plastic surgery stitches and lip-collecting star Mix Lasger will disassemble and reassemble his rocking golden wheelchair in less than 5 minutes. Fresh fashion designers from all over will descend here with their anorexic multi-sexual mannequins to perform never-before-seen Zipper vs. Velcro monologues. Do we need to continue, my dear less glamorous but-soon-to-be idiotic leftovers? Looking carefully around, one must come to an astonishing realization: how come that such an org. as JFJ, org. has never before appeared on the stage of history of this mannequinkind? Again, as before – the answer, my friends, is blowing in your tooches, the answer, my friend is blowing in vain… That is to say – it is not until now that I, the Emir, am issuing an official certificate of All-Consuming Idiocy for All (ACIOA), including their guests. Otherwise it will be very easy to understand why this turquoise (sometimes gray planet) is so…(add according to your own experience). But really, it is still not enough! Back to that more rock & less roll country, put on the map purely from the alphabetical point of view – Afghanistan. Here, the disgruntled citizens, sensing the effective helplessness of their very government (as we predicted), have established their high grass/pooppy root movement: The Unified Rustic Idiots Nominally Equalized (URINE), to show to each other that the world is still revolving while their ex-country men are praying on a foreign tropical island, facing: foggy Mecca; local sugar cane addicts; deep divers off casino cruising ships from that appendix called Florida. This name became so attractive that the West Europeans (only) – no screwing, lazy East Europeans here! - are ready to sign a lease to use this name for 250 years and change their stupidly sounding neo-currency – Euro – to Fluorido Muondo, West (Fu/Mu/W). Let’s see, how many Fu/Mu/W to a $ ? Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – history might be your bounced check or fatally misread small-print instructions! 23 Dear Jews For Jihad appeared to be followers but in reality – fanatical soft-boiled eggs procrastinators, Through various channels of 89.9% closeness to absolute idiocy, Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ. org.), have revealed highly charged concerns: what is the position of JFJ, org. to the race, ethnicity and other similar humanoid garbage issues – in some places called: shit, man? Slowly turning around, approx.180.3 degrees, we have discovered (despite the opposition from the PC– Pathetically Combustible opinion holders) that being obsessed with race (on both or more sides) is not so complicated as it feels, even without a pointed Iberian white hood. Our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky, after 3 seconds of serious scientific investigation, has come to the conclusion that this mannequinkind blindness to colors is caused by a stream of magnificent laser beam (discounted global Lasik eye-closing procedure), coming from the unidentified strange objects (USO). How can we than explain a constant, idiotic adherence of many fashion-crazed New Yorkers to the disgusting various shades of black & brown preferable colors? That’s right, mein volk! Everything is black & brown (B&B) from the head to the toe, so to point. This B&B statement certainly refers to how these humanoids feel about their laundry souls on the way to a dry cleaner. The Insistence Reward Selection (IRS), goes to the Upper West & East side humanoids who attack the fortresses of fashion with an appetite of early, eager Mongols, better known as the Golden Horde (without the credit cards). Ignoring colorful outfits here & there, one can observe fist & mind fights around where the dark mass conjugates. The delicate and financially secure females struggle for their dark survival, facing the ultimate consequences of their own black holes. Meanwhile, the completely brain-void security guards (of various international colors) are betting who will win this race. Depleted and alarmed warehouses are quickly rushing to turn everything not yet B&B into a landscape resembling the major (of course, at this moment, highly developed countries) before the invention of electricity and flashlights. Whose fault is it, really ? According to the not-so-sensational Black-out Scrolls finds (found in one of the cave of Tora Bora’s cave complex - the suburb of Phuckeestan); the disciples (Sons and Daughters of Very Small Ideas – SADOVSI) of the obscure, midget leader with a hilarious name: Trpasleek, claim that the never ending fight between the various shades of colors and strong, consistent black & brown – is what we really need, until the discovery of 3D glasses. Surprisingly so, one of the subgroup of this movement, called Let It Be Immediate Darkness, Of Course (LIBID,O), even advocated a production of a toaster, uncontrollably burning each slice of bread each time. And you thought we are hallucinating about a new Spielberg’s movie, didn’t you? Surely, all this doesn’t help a thousand voluntarily under-privileged Afro-Africans in the American cities who are patiently overpopulating our streets and selling what stupid white people like to buy and wear: black & brown accessories of various utility functions. Speaking about functions. How many dark-enveloped white idiots does it take to screw? A bulb? That’s the answer, my dear followers of darkness. Unless, there is a light at the end of your stubborn color-blindness. If our orange-olive (sometimes pick-magenta) planet wouldn’t be so dirty, we all would prefer to wear white, right?! Right, but than again, wrong! Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – history with sunglasses on is a streetlight feeling blue 24 Dear Jews For Jihad self-taught espresso makers and other financially dependent coffin worshippers, Despite resisting the urgent call to address another worldwide topic such as tattooing and various body-piercing demonstrations, Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) is battered by many demands to bow our heads direction down and really come to the bottom of this seemingly bottomless idiocy. Our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky has been therefore dispatched to the picturesque island of Hokkaido, persistently inhabited by the strange humanoids, called Ainu, but not Malkeinu. Why? Here, yes, there, he barely conducted thorough interviews with those who decided to stay alive or dead, including their bear pets, some bones and selected pebbles from a local stream that was given a strange name: Chooigetzi (in very loose translation – Shooting Stream). Every Ainu and the rest patiently explained without any visible success to our temporary brave reporter whose real job is to annoy everything and occasionally everybody – that they have no clue why the rest of the world went nut for this tattoo and piercing epidemics. Sadly, they said nothing about the deep meaning of those ridiculous bad taste and execution patterns and design so many urban idiots love to display so stupidly when the days last longer. So, what is the real meaning behind and up front of this misguided wannabes? Stupid looking delivery/messenger-like appearing mercenaries equipped with a needles-die-machine, attack anyone or any exposed, uncovered patches of skin. Later, those humanoids skin canvases are parading among us with more stupid looking drawings and dangling metal-abstract steel industry products, desperately avoiding large concentration of magnets. Body piercing became a national past time of soon-to-be complete teenage idiots, the off-springs of their equally stupid looking accidental parents. Apparently, the heavy metal era caused more national damage than the Bush administration is willing to admit… When those obnoxious riveters and graffiti-skinners ran out of every possible available skin territory, militant, very ugly freaks will do anything – tattoo your eyeballs, your real balls, your pinky nail as well as will engrave the latest version of The Rolling Stone & Screw magazines on your constipated opinions. JFJ, org. is willing to admit that the only good tattoo is a dead tattoo. What about tattoo on your sagging bodies the map of our rosy (sometimes sienna-sepia) planet with a dominant piece of non-real-estimate property, called Afghanistan. On this tattoo you will be able to trace the invisible voyages of Osama (may his name appears in the Saudi elementary school textbooks, misspelled in Yiddish), and his bunch of merry theorists from the various capitals. On the other hand, on your biceps you can tattoo the losers from this Winter Olympics. We all safely know (even without admitting it) what is behind the meaning of sport as a concept. The correct answer is – a preparation for wars. Good children! Repeat after me. Right, boys and girls, on your way to a not far-away gym so you can look really less ugly. What’s wrong with looking ugly these days? Anyway, speaking about ugly - what about those Indo-European ‘Arabs’ in Iran? They wouldn’t miss any opportunity to shout any slogan as long as they get a free day from their paid, idiotic, teeth non-brushing and very ugly ayatollahs. Or maybe sport a picture of Vlad Putin learning the Chechen alphabet with those cute little Chechen urchins shortly before they step on a generous gift of cluster bombs, courtesy of the Soviet-Russian or Russian-Soviet army, slave man-fractured in very big China with the Tibetan dialect. And if you want to pierce your missing-link body, why don’t you try the Eiffel Tower (an enlarged version) and stick it up your way-to-go shaft, so to push? In case you are not a Frankopedophile, you definitely must try San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge. It will look good in your stupid nostrils. One mo’ thing, we think that a combination lock (with numbers you’ve forgotten) will look mighty good on your ox smelling tongue – now you will be able to lick un-lickable and at the same time kiss your favorite Marylin Mason poster, splashed with the pigeons shit on the corner of E14th Street and Ave B. Another good method is to eat at least 2 pounds of wonderfully oiled sharp shaped nails, splash it down with Buttermilk and then incidentally use a huge magnet to get the points out, so called Reverse Esthetic Perforation Technique (REPT). The nail ends can be also used to hang the members of your totally irrelevant family, shouting: Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – if history would not have been tattooed on your arms, you would think it doesn’t know how to count. 25 Dear Jews For Jihad secret chewing gum-swallowers and other, largely forgotten open-air Zoo evaders, From far, far away Jews For Jihad, orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) leader, the Emir, I, can certainly hear your restless, sleepless turns, kicking off no-ironing necessary sheets, blankets and other bodily temporary requirements. The first thing in the morning that comes to your wrinkled mind is: will JFJ, org. survives until next week? Let me ask you: did we ever disappoint you bringing into your, surely ugly homes a large overdose of unplanned and unbridled idiocy? Rests assure - we shall certainly continue - but right now, we tremble with envy when matching the unlimited possibilities of the whore reality. You will most surely ask (sitting around your boring, slightly transparent all-protein designer dinners with your dysfunctional and ill informed family) - how come JFJ, org., didn’t invent those remarkable contemporary characters such as: a former Serbian strongman with no valid passport who learns Dutch (my gosh, who, on this dark red, sometimes reddish & yellow planet would like to learn that Yiddish-sounding language?). Not only he learns Dutch but he also thinks that all the dead are complete schmucks for being in the vicinity of the heroic, special Serb-Aryan robot comrades, decorated by the highest orders of the lost, ancient battle in that shitty, remote place, called Kosovo. He admits, he has nightmares that he can’t pet anymore little Belgrade idiots, smiling together into some cheap – to the right - and - to the left, more expensive digi-cameras. Another good humanoid asshole is the Zimbabwean Stalin-like self-taught peasant idiot who hates evidently beneficial vegetables. What about that Afro-Afro-New-World crematorium owner-manager from sweet Georgia (planting body seeds) due to his broken down ovens (oy vey, broken down ovens? We should have been so lucky back in Poilen and Doitschland, I am telling you…) But let’s move on, so to bake. Yes, it’s true, the streets of Man-hate-ttan, more and more start to resemble stupid Hollywood movie sets packed with bad & mad drivers (mostly on their way to New Jersey), causally moving down various local and international pederastians furiously preoccupied with buying 10 post cards with missing WTC twins for $ 1. Meanwhile, the new mayor (what’s his name?) disapproves not so new drag-queen post-stamp design, arranged by departing, popping here and there Rudi van G. These are the trying times when cleverly disguised ex-Tali and ex-Al Qee theorists (with heterosexual student visas) and very hairy chests are penetrating our Chinatown, dressed as steam-bun connoisseurs, stuffing the busy buns with pieces of shredded, potentially explosive halal pork, including highly non-toxic, intricate survive-it-all cockroach elements. A nearby Thai-Vietnamese-Chinese-Malaysian-Burmese-Laotian-Tibetan restaurant advertises tasty eyes of unjustly fried toad victims, only a few seconds ago swimming in the depilated barrels outside the genocidal everything-edible shops on Mott and Grand streets. You will also get a ticket to see B&W moving images of Collateral Brain Damage, # 1002 for a half price if you buy RT fare to Hong-Kong. Our unknown, veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky, who was forcibly breast-fed by a nanny from Kei-fong, likes to criticize and blame himself for many unnoticed calamities. In a letter to the interim PM of that post-Elizabethan stage-set, called Afghanistan, AAT (this time quite justly) asked: “What’s the point to have a government when your type of humanoids even don’t know how to pronounce it, plus the lack of maps makes them think one moment they are in Paki-land, next day in I-ran (but not far), or, any god forbid, in I-racked (everything?)” JFJ, org., therefore made an extra effort to contact a map inventing & printing company IDIOMAPO, located in Albania, specializing in printing one country a day. It usually takes them 365 days a year to present us with a wonderful and unique country after country. Rejoice, for we don’t know when and where is gonna be a next one! Let’s take, for example, a country that shouldn’t be on any map at the first place (as many steadfast idiot-experts claim) – Israel. The country of milking and honey, I am back!, is slowly but surely turning into a country of bloody hamburgers & extremely stoned Semites. Of course, you can blame the Egyptians, the Assyrians, the Chaldeans, the Persians, the Babylonians, the Greeks, the Romans, the Russian and Romanian Jews or those perfidious Monty Python movies for the scheise we all are in. But that’s too easy. Here is an idea, stolen from the secret addition to unknown prophecies by Nostrilfakus. Grab still-shaking Pope and those firmly erected world leaders and bring them over to a café in their Promised Landfill, let them sit there until everyone gets tired of making so much noise and breaking the dishes in the kitchen next to you. Do we need to question those invisible, small countries, scattered around us like mandevoschkes (fleas)? No wonder, the UN solution garbage collectors are confused when they come to recycle a bankrupt and broken-minded entity! Next time we have to make sure – each country comes with an attached price-tag list and an expiration date. For example, Germany – make a bid. So cheap? Another 1000 years? Who wants to tackle Russia? Priceless (as usual), e.d. – already passed. What about the USA, the land of get one, get another one free and that land of the brave gun maniacs? Once upon a time when only rice & beans was available, our Farting Fathers indeed foreseen a glorious, fossil fuel futuristic era (FO2FU) ahead. Due to a mysterious and always murky progress they later became to be known as the Fondling Altar Boys Fathers, Fiscal Fathers, Fools-day Fathers, Flirting PC Fathers, F-train Fathers, even Factual Fathers, not to mentioned Fuckacca Minded Fathers and Filter Fathers. The early Russians, not to be outran by those Twain’s characters, also came with their own fathers (notice the deliberate absence of mother figure). They had their Freezing Fathers, De-Frosting Fathers, Fleeing Fathers, Fire Fathers as well as False Mustache and 5-year Fellatio Plan Fathers, known to drink dry the vast amount of highly spiritual rivers of upper Siberia. On the other side of those now non-existing rivers – one could find various tribes suffering from a mother image. Hastening geographical conditions based on unpredictable geopolitical, family storms and academic eruptions caused numerous fatal splits and divisions. Koreas, rushing to get away from the rest of this earth, came with an idea to celebrate mother as a head figure. They have their Medium Hot Kimchee Mother, Constantly Waving Mother, Counting Mother, Very Hot College Mother and finally – NYC 24-hour open Grocery Mother, known to overcharge even her grandchildren, managing to send them to selected, ridiculous colleges all over the world. They became so famous that even humanoids from the upper West and East Side come down to buy an extremely expensive, brown-spots-camouflaged banana. Unlike Japan, China practices a very resolute process, supported by its long and atrophic history. When their Mongoloid mothers reach 80, the smiling authorities accuse them of belonging to Falung Gang band and deport them in leaking, training submarines to anti-septic Singapore as Vietnamese refugees, and that’s the last time anyone has seen or heard about their interesting fate. On the other hand (Japanese one), only untattooed mothers are respected and preserved on that island where no Mongol ever set a foot. Of course they have The Rising Sunset Mother (Nippon-Nippleono), Eel Mother (Unakiono), Sleepy Sumo Mother (Kawashisumoono) as well as Enola Bay & Radiant Mother (EB & Rono). I can’t Yakuza them; it is Pokemonly hopeless. They are in the crushing realm of the salty sesame rolls, poisoned seafood and/or weed and semi-dead sashimi frauds – causing them not only to create the most atrocious, idiotic animation but they even actually like that garbage, exporting it all over our and other universe. But let’s move to the traditional Fertile Crescent territory full of that cursed fossil shit, man - where they recycle and pass around the one and only mustache of their, hopefully one day 6 feet bellow-ed leader Saddam, the siting d/fuck, who is again getting nostalgic to lose some battles, named after his favorite mothers. Not only they have the Mother of all Mothers (it didn’t work) but they also came up with very practical, empirical motherology – Flame-able and Poisoned Kurdish Mother, Gassed Marsh Arabs Only Mother, Retreat of all Retreats Mother, I-ranian Whore Mother, Jewish Satanic Verses Bitch Mother (with a branch in the neighboring Ayatollahstan). There, the local mothers started a new movement Kiss a Mullah & Ayatollah some unusual, tired, religious afternoon! (KAMASUTRA!) Now you can swallow it and spit it out! Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – when you see history playing the Russian roulette, have another white-Russian with no ice. 26 Dear Jews For Jihad permanent copulation planners and other suspicious, invited & not invited buttermilk-rum addicts, With a foaming feeling of incredible accomplishments our orgasmization – Jews For Jihad (further only JFJ, org.) is here to report; again and again – the idiots of the world – don’t even have to unite. His or her connection is – irreversibly uplifted every nano & mammoth second. Our 'lend me you ears' readers and 'pop-eye-opener' listeners – are right. We mention everything that is fit to shit, so to smear. As our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky (as usual) remarks every Sunday morning: ”Nothing seems to appear when and if specifically there is nothing there…” Yes, there is no hidden meaning here or anywhere. It seems to us (and we really did our house work) that the humanoids love never to run out of their own bodies, providing many more… Take, for example, a country - Phuckeestan - so close and yet so far from that cursed, expressionless landscape, called Afghanistan. It is so particular that overheated followers of the same faith(?) not only spent their useless time cutting the throats of secularly circumcised journalists but they also have enough time to release a burst of Kalashnikov arias into the same faith, different sectarian level mosque (near you) – thus reducing and at the same time zone enlarging the breathing space for many more world would-like-to-be idiots. It appears that lately burning a meal together with its owner while on a train became very fashionable. In Egypt (remember – traditionally a country with the highest percentage of very old and very skinny, well-preserved humanoids), the necessity to illuminate the pyramids by burning night trains has created a spectacular performance called: Burn it again, Salem! What can I write; such are these sandy facts, my dear believers in every up & down religion. In India, on the other hand, everybody knows, cows and other cattle, don’t take trains (those stupid looking, overpopulated humanoids insisting on taking all the time) – and they stay away from becoming a voluntary, well-done steaks. The ancient and abused plains of this hot & cold subcontinent are becoming the martial gyms for the blue-faced, multi-convert Krishna and yellow fever-spotted Mohammed, both clashing over the very significant meaning: do those rails over there should go straight or follow a natural curve when necessary? Now, never trust the countries with tall mountains! Once they got it, it is very difficult to get rid of them; or even rent or lease them. Most of the time, their theorists have to climb up and try to dislodge another pathetic looking schmucks who just – a few minutes ago - ate the last Yeti without the international fries. After burping 168x, they usually descend on the unsuspected neighbors and force them to extend the breakfast hours until 3:45PM! In the country that officially invented a portable, iron mustache, people are having a great time guessing. Guess who is coming for a flashlight? Or guess who is your present Pres-I-dent? So Georgia (no relation to spectacular oven problems), counts bodies backwards and its little people with Groucho-masks are jogging around, shouting: Josef is great, which one!? Everybody knows. Coca dependent Columbian revolutionaries (CdCr) from the stinking hills with heavy, pathetic and idiotic accents largely follow Mao’s hospital axiom (when tied up to his bed): “If you want to immobilize people after you mobilize them – shoot them!” Yes, my dear worldwide revolving functionaries – that’s the best way to progr-ass and in your very little heads with no room for brains, try to picture an imperfect sans set over your unlimited idiocy. By the way, can you do me a favor? Can you leave some of your beautiful, shining path, silvery bullets in a guy’s next-door pregnant wife and his 25 kids? Thank you! How can I ever repay you!? What a country! Which brings us repeatedly to another bearable-lightness-of-idiocy country. What is the difference between an Israeli & Arab prick? An Arab one wears yarmulke with real beard and the fake/real explosives strapped around his/her smuggled body. But don’t mentioned that one while in North Korea. Yarmulke is their most popular dish (after their leader), consisting of whalebone, a fist full of ancient Kublai Khan’s red hair and a fairly modern punctuator computer with an amazing, proportional accuracy to cause planned pain anywhere. But you can surely spit it out in East Germany. While it does not exist any longer, they are well-lit, appreciative corners – from Rostock to Potsdam – full of potz-heads – eager to practice divisions, subtractions and annihilation anytime. I can hear you stubbornly repeating – where is that weird Emir getting all this from? Good answer, my dear aspiring idiots! Some miracles simply can’t occur when holding your waterproof thumb on a leaking hot pipe. But I do howl at the moon while taking a foamy bath (without bubbles) together with an illiterate maid who does unspeakable and at the same time, despicable biological maneuvers. Yours Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember: history wears its own fact-proof vest when necking and petting. 27 Dear Jews For Jihad spaghetti extenders/prolongers and disillusioned mosquito farmers, Just as we are about to get to the bottom of our stupid cave preoccupation, celebrating our well-deserved victory over that atavistic hole-drilling obsessive skills – the camouflaged enema still has not disappeared and it is fucking back, even without the night vision, hallucination gears. Remember, Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) has warned everyone, yes, including you – about that no-hope-but-yes-dope country Afghanistan where all kind of missing links are roaming through the empty pages of Very Fucked-up Reality (VF-uR) with nothing to sell or even to lean on. You deserve this…so to predict. But anyway, while the United Nothingness (U.N.) organizes free ethnic dances centered around the Judea-Samaria promised Catskills, the black-clad, very circumcised Teitelbaum-freaks from Satu Maru (a fairly biblical land, next to Transylvania) are kicking the righteous shit out of each other who is going to be the next Messiah’s lover, dancing forbidden gefilte seafood horas. While all this is happening, our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky is taking free jazz classes supporting his theory: “It is better to play jazz than chess, if you know what I mean, man?!” No! Well… The Special Non-sweating Afghanistan Task Force Unit (SNATFU) with headquarters at BBQ on 8th Street with its Tex-Mex dangerous vicinity to NYU, came with a proclamation stating that everyone is a war criminal and those who aren’t will soon become one. Citing so called Milosevic’s axiom, the SNATFU requires everyone planning mass killing to take Mass Grave Digging 401 course without worrying about appearance of new wrinkles on their idiotic faces. Wrinkles and graves do not go well together, said a cat from Belgrade in his latest underground sitcom from The Hague. Yes, my dear fuckheadchiks, I knew you were right - as a teenager, Milo played in the horn section of a local band celebrating their forgotten Jannisars’ heritage. Under the name JANJAZZ, its members soon conquered musically minded Serboids with blue eyes and blond hair. If this is not enough, they soon substituted their submarine, communal dialectics for I-want-to-sit-on-your-face-right-now theory. It did not work, so here we have the origins of the local fuck finger and delayed international menopause gatherings. A special treat has been just delivered from Indonesia (now, what kind of name is this?! And with such a name, they have joined the fuck-hood of nations?) Hard-on to believe… Their local, official idiot whose name is even more ridiculous than of his own (he actually owns it) country – Jaffar - is the founder, (check this one out - of Laskar Jihad !) and destroyer of anyone who doesn’t have a Playboy bunny tattoo on his/her nipples and … doesn’t speak Finnish. He jovially confessed that he hates Osama’s un-I-slamic beard! (may his name appear in the stool of the whole royal Saudi house - on their golden-tiles floor). Now, where are these kind of humanoids coming from and what do they aspire to do? Good question but no reality. Why not allow them to come here and get a job as the re-fillers of those stainless-steel milk containers in the anonymous, alphabetical-order diners across the USA! So, the mullahs, fuckeers, and other sortiment of collectively damaged mountain humanoids are digging in. Nothing bothers them. If they are killed by one of those beautifully shaped aerodynamic bullets, they just dust off their skirts and turbans and became the poet laureates of the future cosmology-idiotology of absolutely screwed-up humanoid garbage. They are in quest for their ultimate Papa & Mama, not consulting the invisible, planetary Shrink - busy screwing and switching on & off those tiny stars. Meantime, as usual, the cave complexes in Afghanistan/Awfulistan, conveniently located next to that artificial-no-real-history Phuckeestan are getting stuffed with rather simple-looking skeletons (from a distance), pointing out to all sorts of real and abstract deformations. Adherents of faith that doesn’t require possession of brain, in case you didn’t know it - are full of shit and bad dental problems. Under the concept: Bite with brain, think with teeth, the white-clad faith dealers with in & out brown stripe on the back of their underwear are thus able to offer you a new spiritual model every season. According to AAT, this world is in constant search of affordable socio-economic (if you don’t know what I mean, man?) thrift-store model aspiring to improve the conditions on our brown (sometimes green-yellowish-orange) planet. Unfortunately, the sick laughter of many leftover humanoids is blocking the wise investment-like suggestions of our brave veteran. The Corruption International Against All (CIAA) has just issued a statement, calling for all monetary good-by values – in form of the last-will - to be voluntarily submitted to Geneva, next to the grilled sausage stand on the corner of Rue Debilitè and Avenue Le Petite Mérde. It’s final and there is no hope, as they put it in their extremely short f-mail. But don’t let this ruin your digestive problems and vericose veins gallery exhibition. We have plenty of skyscrapers left. Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember: when thinking of history, try acid shower. What is left is the correct answer. 28 Dear Jews For Jihad abolitionist curtain hangers and culinary law enforcement critics, Unlike our previous pseudo-magnetic enhanced statements, unveiling our firm conviction that idiocy is a necessary genetic ingredient worldwide, it is also quite clear that it is another important element in the Debilities table not yet discovered. This time we have been avalanched (from a broad spectrum of supporters and foes alike) with a simple question: what is a difference between short & tall and how does it influence the climatic changes on the rather tall Polish-Slovak borders? Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) serendipitously and only after taking a cold shower, came to the conclusion that, yes, all the problems on our metallic-blue (sometimes plastic-pink) planet are indeed caused by the presence of short & tall humanoids. This easily measurable & miserable dichotomy (unlike many others) deserves our special attention, considering how many short & tall idiots are consistently trying to ruin our cold (sometimes hot) place in the mamas & papas Universe. Our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky who is neither short nor tall, announced his opposition to growing up, claiming that shortness is a result of mystical-optical illusion and tallness is nothing but a distorted, family-inherited point of view, so to see. In the scorched plains and hills of Afghanistan, tall Aryan-like looking humanoids usually and mostly unintentionally are pissing on the smaller Phuckis, busy spreading their omeletic I-slam idiocy among their already over-illiterate teenagers who think Arch trumpeter Gabriel was a winged mujahedeen, hired by Osama (may his 15th wife menstruates upon him while he is asleep), to wake up everyone, especially those with the IQ of a praying mantis and send them to the international caves to leave their fingerprints on its virgin, silicon walls. Our Anti-silicon Sighing Unit (ASiSiU) have discovered the remnants of the stubborn, ancient baby Monodentus (a one-tooth beast), still with his/her prehistoric diapers on. This important discovery went unnoticed; my dear diapers refusniks and fringe civilization worshipers. We have asked various variability religious scholars to comment on this absorbing phenomenon. Due to their variability nature, many of them vehemently opposed to understand a very simple question. How simple, many of you will surely ask? Well, it’s like, you know what I mean, man? But one thing is sure; it will haunt them for many years to come. For example, the short and at the same time big S.O.B. Cambodian leader Hun Sen (remember Huns?) is becoming a shorter Mao. This former voluntary participant in mass killing, courtesy of very short equal opportunity Khmer Rouge butchers, is now a less jungle-related, more polished professional killer, first fucking his country popular actress Piseth Pilika then via his jealous and very short, pissed wife, arranges a nice, silver bullet to be placed in the middle of the star’s forehead. Jungle Tov! While a tall boss Coughing Banana is addressing the world from the pulpit of the UN (United Nothingness), various dangerous assholes are having a very good and long time. As AAT says: Next year in the grave next to you…my fine death collectors. Meantime, the cold and ridiculous Canadians are having their grandiose time, banning Salman Rushdie from putting his non-halal shoes on their stained, plane carpets, citing I-ranian Martyr Foundation (no kidding here) immortal fatwa sentence (resembling popular inedible dish, falafel but without a hot sauce). Can you imagine? And nobody thought of asking the polar bears about their opinion…what a country! When in doubt, always log on: http://www.didyou.com/e? It’s guaranteed that you will get absolutely nowhere, learning absolutely nothing and will grandiosely waste your stupid time. But, hey, that’s what when in doubt means! Perhaps you even hope to meet a tall girl/boy on your very small screen. Our very special Screen It All Band (SIAB), have just reported from (not yet build) streets of Can’t Do My Hair that the local ex-Taliban pricks are shrinking again, placing 30 boy-meets-girl, girl-meets-girl, boy-enters-girl, girl-exits-boy and other variety ads, describing themselves as the Last-hope businessmen with various diseases (LaHoBuWiVaDi). The only other humanoids who beats them in placing their religious dicks in little boys mouth, instead of sacraments are horny Roman-Catholic priests, actually dreaming of screwing Virgin Mary when she is not busy grieving tall Joshua’s gymnastic mistakes on the wooden cross (not a result of his dubious carpentry skills). Meantime, the funny international press is ignoring a new world order instigated by the Venezuelan short strongman Hugo Ch. (what a name!) who ordered his nation to drink a glass of gas a day on hungry stomach, in order to reduce its dependence on domestic idiocy and increase its vaporous debility. Needles to say, its huge success went also unnoticed, except in Israel where Hugo’s huge nose decorates every decent household. When we asked Yassir A. what is his attitude to shortness/tallness, our fellow Yassir said: “Yes, sir; no, sir!” Very interesting! We then went to see all-prime-minister-in-one Ariel Sh. who didn’t waste his time: “ No, sir! Wait, sir!” Very…! Next, we tried to ask Irish who didn’t save any civilization, what is their, you know what. The answer never arrived, according to the Guinness book of records. So I am telling you: “Go home and be tall. If you want to be short, it’s fine too…” Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember: history is a Lilliputian comfortably napping in the palm of a Gulliver-like lobotomy candidate. 29 Dear Jews For Jihad antique-rusty circumcised knife idealists and lovers of smelly, bad French indie movies, It has come to our attention - yes to our Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) that the majority of popular-science related articles, appearing in otherwise unreadable magazines such as The Soil Enricher, That Ridiculous Insect or Rent Me If You Can, are constantly missing the opportunity to refer to the stupidity scale our of mannequinkind. While many of you will rightly suspect the existence of mathematical proofs of this well-known de & graduation scale, the other half will resist, knowing it concerns them and their weekend, well-rehearsed customs. Our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky, a head of our special search unit Eat & Destroy In Silence (EDIS) with a little sub-branch Make Some Noise Sometime (MSNS), have just returned from their mission to the Galapagos Islands where they have found Darwin's scratched and forgotten reading glasses thus finally unveiling the shaky foundation of a shortsighted evolution theory, shortly before regular shaving schedule but after a big lizard’s mating habits. It is a well-known fact that the bacteria can be stupid too. Their cousin, the virus, pretending to be idiotically attached to any humanoid cell (preferably internal), claims they go way back when there was only hot lava and blind fish with tiny, white walking sticks. No wonder, the contemporary male whales sing that notorious sad blues under the heavy weight of the greenish waves, thanking the Evolutionator for uplifting their huge dicks, based on the necessary laws of that unemployed schmuck (going back to the times when everyone was unemployed) Archimedes. Which brings us to our favorite subject: religion and the importance of posters in post-modern public restrooms, generally closed for any public but available for only our customers, so to piss. Now, what is full of brown stuff - the former or latter? Good question that deserves an absolute non-answer. But, hey, let's leave it to our boxing and kicking rabbis, nose picking and ass scratching mullahs, dick shaking and again & again, little boys chop licking Catholic priests and other volunteers from the Heavenly garage sales, right?! Of course, let's not forget the Oscar's worshippers and other idiots, wasting their already confused times and still-films in their K-mart 35 mm cameras (with future Advantix capability) to catch a glimpse of a star's glittery lingerie, fluorescent boxers and determined, unmistaken and openly disgusting oblivion. When it is over, the B & W winners will go to their underwater villas off the coast of Malibu Beach, while the stupid fuckers like you will count missing cash spent on a grand disillusion, overprized pop-corn, teeth, including dentures destroying candies and stinking, dirty/sticky seats, so to perforate. But there is one virus out there that is having a great time, inhabiting the ancient red floors of Baggydad. The Uncle of All Uncles! (UOAU!) Saddam H. is ready to shoot another very documentary short about the Kurds, most of them already previously slaughtered by wonderful halal-proven chemical weapons. Remember? Of course you don't. The second part will be about the marsh Arabs, south of Basra. At first he will drain their water canals and pick them up one by one by his elite, hunting Revolutionary Guards. No questions asked. And you thought god is not a free-lance joker. Meantime - in the Middle East (which and whose middle?) various liquids flow down the drain of history again - because no one gives constipation about the Jews & Arabs (but, hey, mostly those fucking Jews) who are kicking everything they have out of each other. Their olive skin asses are getting big and red just like those of the territorial, horny baboons on the slopes of Killimandjaro. The swollen asses are thus becoming the forerunners of the new religion, soon to appear in a church, mosque, synagogue near you. Do you really think that an average Frenchman (except that peasant prick Jose Bove, merde garcon special), German, Spaniard, Italian or a Croat, etc. gives a well-proportional fuck about those stupid Semites, blowing themselves up to again biblical, not-yet canonized smithereens? They love it, Jesus loves it, cab driver loves it, roach exterminator loves it, coffin designer loves it, ugly, long nails owner loves it, men! Some Israelis love it, most Arabs really love it, the gravediggers are getting tired but still love it. All the dead and living sages love it. It is great, man! You should love it too! What, you already do? That's not what I mean. So Yassir/Nossir is dreaming about a stack of nice potato latkes, Ariel Shaister wants to meet Marlon B. and talk about Apocalypse When? But that's not over, baby blue; the Phuckis are promising support for their loved Afghis. Just like they did it before when their sado-maso-religio secret service humanoids created the staggering Tali scenario. Who said we ought to understand this world? That's why so many assholes love to dispatch so many out of this game and send them to the finite world to come. There is a difference between coming and coming as AAT once said, after watching the famous political-porno flick - The Return of Your Undecided Sperms – not available in any video store but soon a part of the post-graduate curriculum at University of Never Ending Amazement (UNEA). So, go ahead, have some unsafe sex while you can't and then put on your CNN (Come on, Not Now) news. Who knows, you might be able to become an expert on watching the experts?! Yours Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember: history is a drunken sailor, looking for your wetness. Special: with footnotes!!! 30 Dear Jews For Jihad collective guilt collectors and other sober, anonymous snitchers, It almost looked as if Jews For jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.), gonna run out of this business bothering others with its steady insistence on world-wide idiocy as a demonstration of an indelible proof that it’s not an accidental occurrence but an important not-awarded quality, used 24 hours from the shores of Africa to the slums of Paris, etc., to the new palaces in Moscow & Kiev, and soon-to-be built decent, brick houses in Grozny[1], Ramallah[2], Kabul and other god-forsaken (which god?) capitals/semi capitals. As the idiotic world stands-by, watching the two real Semites bashing the brown stuff out of each other, the rest would like to see the expected results: Jews vs. Arabs; Jews 0 : Arabs 365. Really, who needs the Jews? We would rather have full-blown Arabs. Don’t ask those Keystone Venezuelans who can’t decide which Hugo[3] will rule. The Ping-Pong Hugo is back in town; the melting generals with some of the U.S. sponsored idiots are out. In & out. The secrets of life. That’s why we have Pres-I-dent[4] who loves to see this world in horizontal position while his advisers see it vertically. Enough said. Have sex, will travel, our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky repeats, upon reading the latest world-brew stories. But when you decide to travel, be sure you are not very Jewish. Say: only my grandma was or my uncle once ate challah in a Lutheran home, or my father cheated the oven pretending being a NY-style dead pretzel. Better stay away from the French soccer fields, Tunisian synagogues, German railroads, and desecrated cemeteries all over fucking Europe and definitely from the international bazaars with water pipes smoking, successfully circumcised folks and bad-breath politicians kissing different-color babies. Hey, does it seem to you too that almost everyone is working hard to bring the end of this world (as we don’t know it) closer and closer? Certainly the Afghanis will tell you that. Not only the god of earthquakes is pissed off but also the god of locusts and a local optometrist are biting their nails off in the face of overwhelming humanoid stupidity. But hey, don’t cheat the evolution! Some well-known Arabs, for example, completely drunk, drinking only their Coca-Coran[5] cocktail, lost any sense of desert reality. While they keep insisting that Coca-Coran is about being sober, meantime in heavy stupor and frenzy, known only to a few selected mammals, they are capable pronouncing indigestible sentences, divorced from any reference, ladies and gentlemen. Some lesser-known Jews will go to length to describe how important it is to know the concept of self-defense – Jew-Foo. If the whole world un-bashfully hates you (with or without reasons), what is the point to demonstrate a tangible proof that we really mean being a part of this fucked-up mannequinkind? Read it again. Slowly… While the well-documented but improperly post-marked madness envelopes the whole, disgusting world – the bloodthirsty united hypocrites (BTUH) are racing around who will be the first denouncing the fucking Jews, screwing up the bright future of this pinkish (sometimes very reddish) planet. Do we have to name them? Yes, of course we do. But the list will be so long that not even the fastest, kosher Pentium chip will be able to put them on, yeah… So why are, so called Europeans, so obsessed with an idea that hating the Jews – again & again – goes well with the cheese and wine? I repeat – do we have to bomb them again, only to help them to rebuild their decaying capitals, full of superior espressos & cappuccinos? As our AAT lightly puts it on: “When in Rome, do as the Romas[6] don’t do!” If you know what I don’t mean. No? It’s OK. Nobody does. So while the rest of the scientific and other communities still claim that our planet is spinning, we all know that’s out of control. Like a dead Hanukah dreidele[7] laying on the side, waiting for the Great Spinner to click his/her fingers again. Good luck, ladies and gentlemen. It’s time for another experiment. Smaller brains, larger mouths. It goes well with the end of the world. Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember: history is only a point of view in a dark gas chamber. [1] The very small capital of Chechnya, near Haagen Dazs (but who cares!) 2 Soon to be even smaller capital of – who really cares? 3 Very short schmuck with Mayan features 4 Another little bit bigger schmuck with non-Mayan features 5 A dangerous, vilest mixture; not recommended while thinking under the influence of faith 6 A dark-skinned humanoids, scattered all-over but who really gives a fuck! 7 A squared, shtetl-like economic tool 31 Dear Jews For Jihad various religious masks designers and the rest of the meek that, yes – will not inherit anything, period. Now when that peaceful and pastoral little landfill country[8], full of the non-native cannabis sativa idiots, got rid for good of their perspective national leader, the rest of the world can finally sigh with relief – yes, even them, they have joined traditional gun-powdered mannequinkind. Only a few years ago their so-called peacekeeping schmucks in uniform (some people simply should not wear a uniform), allowed the heroic Serbs-Slavs, under the glorious leadership of a man (whom his drunk nationalistic parents named Slobodan, then quickly added Milosevic and ran to the other side to the Turks), to biblically annihilate around 5000 unarmed converted Slavs. Oy. Got it? Oy, I am afraid not. Do you think, does it really matter? As usual, in the rubbles of the Old, the more horrible New is hatching, pissing straight into your face, effectively altering your expensive contact lenses focusing capability and indirectly affecting your inflatable, flexible feelings. So Yessir, Nosir emerged from his pres-I-dental compound surrounded by unshaved muzhiks with terrible, stinky breath problem and immediately founded a new city: Jeningrad. Too bad – didn’t even read enough of those tiny history booklets about the Arab SS-men[9], praying towards Berlinecca. As our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky says: “With a Semite like this, who needs another Semite?” An intriguing sample, weiss nicht? As I, the Emir, predicted long time ago, even before 9/11 emergency date – nothing good can come out from that country that for lack of other names the hysterians decided to call Afghanistan. The country so fucked up that even the most sophisticated, technologically advanced machines got confused, gave up and simply shot and kill wrong people. How do you like that? So, different theorists are having blow-up conferences in Las Bombas and Las Shitas where you have to be over 6 ½ years old and prepay the concert ticks for the Rolling Stones live (?) tours up to the year 2011. Which brings us back to a simple arithmetic: let’s see how many wars just, kind of, happened (did they really happened?) in Europe and how many people were, kind of: butchered, quartered, semi-quartered, burned at stake, poisoned, mob-lynched, robbed & raped (not in the same order), religiously persecuted & executed?[10] And that’s not all. No wonder now they are trying to, kind of, (don’t you like this kind of combo?) wash their conscience by running across the Manager Square at the Church of the Naivity in Beitlechem to shake their unwashed hands with already shaky, sweaty Yessir, Nosir. This will certainly seal the fate of the world peace and will upset those fucking Jews who shouldn’t have been here at the first place, kind of. The Protocols[11], yes my dears, are back and doing fine (actually never disappeared). Just turn your squeaky heads towards all Arab lands and their easy-going capitals where busy propagandists and publishers hastily churn out all kind of shit people used to swallow in those beautiful medieval times when even those famous disease spreading rodents had better life than many of those circumcised founders responsible for the Blabla and the Krakra holy books. If you don’t believe me, ask your schools to give your money back & pray for Henry Ford’s oily passage to the America’s Hall of Fame of so many brave, stupid and ridiculous idiots. That’s right, we (or rather they) have fought so many battles for so many years, only to return to the same blind spot of humanoid simplicity and mind-boggling debility. It’s not good, this will allow a lot of film lobotomy candidates to write those incredible scripts in which the whole family (an important socio-economic unit) will enjoy everything we have so far written about those perfidious, cheese-loving, Star of David cemetery-smashing Europeans[12]. So, while the more wider & wider screens are soaking in the fake blood and in real pain in the ass, the rest of the mannequinkind plots various schemes how to outsmart each other for the sake of progress and denial[13]. Our position – Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) is quite murky. When possible, swallow the evidence and pretend you are a Japanese tourist with your lovely Korean wife on the way to Katmandu. Yes, the beautiful Katmandu where completely fucked-up Maoists believe that Mao is alive and well, working as a doorman on 850 West End (wish it was true), selling good-luck golden fish in a little plastic, previously not owned bags. I hear Pol Pot laughing in his not-so-old very atheistic grave. The Satan has temporarily moved his/her office there. Hallelujah![14] Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember: When giving someone history as a gift, don’t forget to mention the mysteries of oral sex. 32 Dear Jews For Jihad small fish, big crabs admirers and others who chew on the wrong side Idiocy is an endless[15] loop tape. Those who agree should immediately line-up and wait; those who don’t, should listen to this tape 24 hours, 8 days a week… In our favorite country Franceistan[16] (besides Afghanistan where nothing can surprise us anymore), someone whose parents carried the last name Breitweiser – a Teutonized baguette eater (TBE), went all over funny Europe, stealing ze obzhekt of art and stuffed it under his walnut bed. Isn’t it wonderful? Yes, it is and will be… One day he didn’t come home to his dear mama. He got accidentally arrested while trying to steal the Eiffel Tower and turn it into a smaller rubber replica. His wonderfully inclined mother, knowing the big shit about the arts, artists, artisans, artificial marble, etc. (here bursts another myth how the Frenchies suppose to be the famous lover of ze art), chopped the stolen canvases and dumped other art objects into a canal, singing: This land is my land and other unrelated folkloric pre-Christian songs. “Not good for any fish and everyone should have a mom like this”, exclaimed our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky, pointing to another news from another funny country called Phuckeestan[17] where the very smart police force always finds a wrong, headless Jewrnalist.[18] While this is going on, completely fucked up juridical system, dating back to the semi-bronze age is ready to punish a victim of I-slamic masculinity in an insignificant village Chorlaki (pronounced: Choreslikeyou). There, yes, my dear phuckheads, the Judge Khan (which one Genghis or Kublai?) slammed that woman with a beautiful I-slamic law – you sleep with any man against your will – death by stoning. Now, wait a minute! Something is not quite Halal with this picture! Where are the thousand and thousand protesters in the outrageous European and Arab capitals demonstrating against this type of idiocy? Ha? Where are all the volunteers sneaking into the prison compound to be with a victim – raped 2x – once by a primitive idiot, second by equally primitive judge in the name of this wonderfully perverted justice? “If it worked for 1400 years, it’s good for us”. No kidding and no Bethlehem here, meine liebe volk! Oy, and 100x time more oy; if you know what I scream?! No? It’s probably O.K., since our ally on the desert peninsula is still cutting thieves arms off as before when they invented god and other auxiliary chachkes[19], persecuted by merciless, always thirsty mirage. How many idiots is one able to stuff into a camel’s asshole[20]? Again, the endless tape plays on & on. Meantime in sunny, smiling Mexico, someone has stolen a truck carrying 10 tons (!) of sodium cyanide, the cousin of Cyclone B[21] known to be heroically reducing the overpopulated cursed Jews only a 6 decades ago. What else can be said about your next vacation in a country that’s so hopelessly stupid that people are going coconuts about that new drink Finalita Cyanita Grande!? Not far away from here and yet remote, on a shitty little island, full of dysfunctional families with their more dysfunctional1950’s Chevy’s and aging comrades from Mars, Jimmy meets Fidel. The result? Jimmy 0, Fidel 100. Oy, caramba! I guess, the cyanide cloud from Mexico safely reached the tropical island and did what is designed to do – to poison the body and mind. One good Yankee Si, thousand Varelistas[22] No! So, while on our bigger island, the Catholic priests have to find another motel where they can stick their dried, tiny dicks into a juvenile mouth that are known to be always open in front of the athletic ex-Jewish Rebbe[23], the Pope[24] is still shaking his head and hands – and nobody knows whether he means yes or no… Now tell me, which one is the good news and the bad news? I guess the good news is that just released report by the Transparency International is listing Russia and China as the top business bribers. Would you believe it? Are we talking about a tip of this iceberg or are we kidding ourselves? You ought to know. If you don’t, learn how to ski and skate. Another good news is that the credit card bandits, mostly from the former(?) Soviet lands are calling for the international conference of credit carder specialists in Odessa this beautiful summer of ours. Odessa, Odessa…hem, doesn't it ring a bell in your poor shitheads[25]? There is one, right here on the shores of Brooklyn where the Russkies own every sand grain, including seagull’s eggs. Try to ask for smoked herring in English! They will order you to say it in Russian; otherwise it is only $100.99 per pound. The correct answer is Odessa, now in Ukraine – the country of unlimited Cossack mentality with a large Museum of Alcohol & Chernobyl and Babi Yar[26] inspiring forest. Finally the bad news that actually turned out to be the good news. Read the papers lately? Meteor May Have Started Dinosaurs’ Era (did it ever end?), Viagra-like postage goes up and only up, someone very smart (and it wasn’t our AAT) declared that the U.S. nuclear, electric and water plants are very vulnerable to Mobbylizied Dick attacks. If you don’t believe me, do not pay those utility bills and move to Gaza where a strip is always a tease. Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember: history is your commuting train on a way to your favorite whore reality… 33 Dear Jews For Jihad movie & playhouse theaters food & drink smugglers and libidinous Mall Street molesters, Now, don’t take me wrong or Whoever forbid, thinks of me as a low paid ignoramus. Well, while it’s true (especially the part referring to the sullen portraits of our rather green presidents), in my E-mirial position, I have developed keen sense for recycled, humanoid mediocre ideas. Just like a product warranty sits in a fresh box so does the idiocy, neatly stored in the back of your rotten cortex. The cortex is not counterfeit fabrics from Malaysia or Ukraine but a part of our horizontal and vertical point of views. While there is nothing to say (yet) about the playhouse attendance in hopeless countries with strange names for their capitals such as Cable or Islama(very)bad or any other theater forsaken ridiculous places on the face-lift of this root-beer colored (sometimes pistachio-off green) planet, we can certainly pronounce our predicament about the hectic activity on the field of acting in this 2 phallic-less city. All of you potential idiots out there will start to accuse me of being an arrogant son of the E-mir. But I am the E-mir or as our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky is keen on stressing: ”Leave the Emir or E-mir alone. He is a living example of what you don’t want to be under certain imposed circumstances…” This theatrical sentencing goes well with our browsing through NYC on & off Broadway temples of pretentious behavior. Have you ever opened the Art section of any paper later? Urinetown, Vagina Monologues, Menopause, Sexoholic, Men with penises (strange but true), Penis Envy plays? And they have arrested and sentenced Al Goldstein, the founder of Screw magazine for lesser stuff, my horny friends! Now, many of you might argue that: a) it will open the forbidden door to more subtle titles like Pussy Juices, Pubic Soup, Crab Conference, Whore’s Oath, Kosher Lust, Foreskinless Conspirators, Immaculate Erection, Condom Sin, Syphilis from Baghdad, Teheran, Grozny, Ramalah, Minnesota, Vladivostok, the Bronx, etc.; b) what’s the big deal? The others will say: how is this related to the serious world’s problems and Putin’s attempt to have a very small portrait of very young Bush on his birch desk? One might argue that this is what the Puritans had in their minds when they half-starved sexually or otherwise, beached the shores of these landscapes. Here goes the propaganda of never open suede flies and other 3D objects flipping in the air, right in front of indigenous faces with all sort of feather in their hair. Let me ask you a question. Do sex and the USA go together? Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) have asked an expert in this field Mr. Inbetween, the co-author of the animation series Masturbation In The City. The above-mentioned author asked us to give him 3 weeks to think about the correct answers. When we finally cornered him again, he changed his name to Between and worked for the non-profit city corporation dealing with putting different stinks in the city’s subway system, called Your Stink Here In Motion (YSHIM). I can assure you that despite the fact that it seems unrelated to anything we so far explicitly said as JFJ people, there is an element of truth in some carefully constructed verbs. Theatrically speaking, we have come to the point admitting that we need more plays dealing with our twisted anatomy and biological needs. Have you ever seen people on a stage going to a bathroom only to find out there is no toilet paper or any utility napkin there, embarrassingly asking the audience to throw them some brown napkins from the Starbucks on 38th St. and 8th Ave. So remember, next time you are going to the theater, don’t forget to memorize the play titles and dress properly just in case you went to the wrong playhouse. If yes, quickly write a new play and copy, cut, and paste a title reflecting the true nature of your nature. Who knows what you deserve? Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember: history is a dark passage full of piss and shit from the previous occupants 34 Dear Jews For Jihad frequent, grounded miles gamblers and garage sale, flea market, thrift stores procrastinators, I, the Emir, you know the one with the Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.), often ran to people who think newspaper sport pages are international news and vice versa. Very excited folks start to paint their already ridiculous faces with all sorts of colors resembling their national flapping-in-the-air fabrics and unspecified military vehicles. Hm, some of you would say: ‘That’s what melting spot is all about!’ “Well painted”, chirps our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky who always walks around with one shoe painted red another one off-reddish, just in case… If some of you would think (and I doubt it) that idiocy on a small or large scale is curable, let me point out, my dear spoiled, probably asexual freaks that everything is calm on the Afghansitany-Phuceekstany-Indiany borders, depending if you read the news upside down or not at all. While nothing and nobody can beat our overall favorite country Afghanistan/Awfulistan where people are still being shot by friendly, semi-friendly and externally hostile fire thus making the room for more idiots to come; there are some other countries on this chocolate (sometimes charcoal) planet that certainly compete for the title: Do We Still Exist & Why? (DWSE&W?) Among those competing at large are: formerly extinct nations, soon-to-be extinct nations and extinct causing nations. Do we have to name them? Yes. But not now. Perhaps tomorrow… So, meanwhile the Phuckees and the Brahmees are missile fingering in front of the astonished world (are they capable of doing so; and, we thought they can only repair bicycles!?) Phuckees Gen. Musharraf (pronounced: Mushroomcloudchik) and India’s Defense Minister with a glorious Vedic name, right out from the ancient scriptures: George Fernandes, now spent sleepless nights how to explain to their and our humanoids that actually killing is fine as long: a) as you pay taxes; b) fuck your neighbor’s wife at the same time; c) 3x times daily shout: We are great! Can you spare a dime? Now, many of you who voluntarily denounced your own Ph.D. diplomas and joined the regular folks, would rightly ask: ”Is this analysis correct and necessary? Is there anything out there that makes sense, with the exception of monetary whirlpool?” Well, it depends on your dietary habits & hormones-induced mating skills. So, allow the paint on your faces to dry out and with a masturbatory gesture greet the new era where you don’t have to get completely stoned to be stupid. Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember: history is a friendly looking magic mushroom on its way to mortality 35 Dear Jews For Jihad autumn conspirators and soft/hard eggs boiled timing insecure maniacs, We’ve got another proof that a genuine, sleazy idiocy is creeping around our green-pea (sometimes camouflage color) planet. With a self-restraining determination, I the Emir, was trying to avoid the brain-damage issues plaguing our voluntarily sponge world just before another idiot is about to be born to even more idiotic parents. Just ask that family from Hebron who dressed their 5-month old baby Hamas as an adult Hamas with fake explosives belt and all. “It was a joke,” they said. With a joke like this who needs a serious peace process? Tired of Israeli-Palestinian conflict? Hey, I don’t blame you. Who wants it! I bet a lot of people do. Let’s go back to our favorite country Afghanistan/Awfulistan, yeah! While very careful Afghans already learned some new tricks like – when planning a wedding be sure to include the same number of participants’ caskets, just(ice) in case - you, yes you call U.S. special fart-ces and tell them that uncle Ali is actually a secret Tali worshiper and sleeps with ex-Al Qaeda palm reader whore. Be sure to show a virtual fuck finger as well. This really pisses off boys from Oklahoma. Nothing is worse than imaginary fuck finger. As our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky says based on his own experience. Speaking of fuck finger, the restaurant opening disease is spreading like burned out borscht, contaminating more famous beautiful & ugly people at the same time. Britmila Sheet (pronounce Britney Spears) is opening her piece of ass restaurant called NYLA. Let’s see what is this acronym standing for Perhaps: Not Yet, Limping Asshole; or maybe Nuked Youth Looking Anguished? Whatever. But check this one out – literal quotes – by Morris Moinian, the owner of another joint Dylan and a partner in NYLA: “Basically it’s a lounge, an alcohol environment, and our target is young executives from 25 to 40 years old.” B. Sheet who hired a very thoughtful architect Jay Haverson (we are talking real names here, folks) didn’t miss with this one either. Here is his brain jewel: “We put together adjectives to describe what we thought this restaurant would be like: sexy, theatrical, sensual, feminine, vivacious, youthful but moving into adult life…” End of quote…not enough? Listen to another Haverson’s illumination after he has shown to B. Sheet (remember to pronounce it as Spears) a book of Georgia O’Keefe paintings. Quote:” She didn’t know the work but she loved the images. There was a real connection.” And you thought the world would be a safer and happier place without the Emir? What about a great planetary event: Miss Idiot Universe, shown only on renewed B&W TV screens. Asking too much? You ask me? Anyway, let’s stick to a carrot, so to beat… Just as you have come to the same conclusion, another grandiose schmuck Richard Barrett (real asshole with a real name) appears on the horizon (if you didn’t notice). He lives in Mississippi and is a certified U.S. government loophole paid racist. He’s recently asked the U.S. legal system to pay him $275 an hour for the 44 hours he drove from Mississippi to Newark for a 4-hour day court hearing. He got $30.605, based on some obscure and obscene constitutional rights provision. Does that sounds like George Lucas’ & Steven Spielberg’s another idiotic film? No, my dear soon-to-be-damned airheads and it will get even worse, courtesy of young looking Viagra dependent CEOs, robbing us right and left (no politics here?) You call it a scandal? Come on, regular and irregular people – it’s a clear and loud crime caused by irregular erection-conscientious executives smeared into our piggish faces. At least, the Emir has some guts to drive a line in our beautiful urban and other deserts. Trying to water your dried out emotional and physical well-being? Don’t despair – Dr. Creflo A. Dollar (again, the real name here!) will save you together with his creepy K-mart looking wife Taffi Dollar and another money collector Dr. Leroy Thompson Jr/Sr. They will save you and your savings at Madison Square Garden this July 2002. Yes, right in the MSG (even though many Chinese have already gave up on this one). So don’t worry put everything you have and don’t into the hands of Crefflo and Teffi. First they will suck all of your world out of you and then they will send you to the nearest Salivation Armpits bed & breakfast establishment for ½ night. Hallelujah, ein, zwei, drei…Where did they get those names, meine liebe volks? Yes, you and you – we don’t even have to travel to those distant places like Afghanistan and Phuckeestan to get righteously excited. Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – when ready to screw history, put a pair of Latex gloves on your favorite cheap book you didn’t have enough time to read… 36 Dear Jews For Jihad not yet disillusioned evolution theory interpreters and professional tripod carriers, Let me tell you with a straight face, without sitting on your face – this world is hopeless; that is to say until the mad science will find the ways to replace hope. It’s quite a formidable task considering the fact that 80% of this very mannequinkind is not only composed of water but is helplessly stupid beyond reparation and other dry activities. Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) think it’s all due to misunderstanding of our transportation needs. The employees of Statisticians Union Envy (SUE) are furiously playing the Orwellian Mega Lotto thus increasing the odds that one day everyone will become a millionaire with the latest vacuum cleaner version hanging on the wall. It’s that sucking sound that counts, says our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky, again referring to our jigsaw puzzle country Afghanistan/Awfulistan, remember? Which other country can beat Afghanistan, my dear post-kindergarten graduates? Quite right! Of course another nation-state might be Phuckeestan were people rape people as a punishment in the name of god and DNA while overproducing cheap shirts and radioactive leather in order to upset constantly blue Krishna obsessed Indians who in return flood the world market with tiny radioactive statues of Ganesha and obnoxious incense sticks of various flavors. Indeed, the world would be a better place if everything would be again 100% covered by H2O in a perfect atomic unity - without the mammals with their stinking breath and exaggerated secondary sexual organs. There you have it… Don’t get me wrong, nothing against international sexual organs. The more the better; just feel very uncomfortable around pricks, dicks and cunts running/ruining the world. Some of them are even blessed to take care of our commuter needs. Good example is New York City Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA – pronounced: Meet The Assholes). I bet even Lucifer & Satan must be extremely jealous at the MTA’s management and bosses who have accomplished quite devilish things, beyond L&S wildest imagination; such as: 1/ keeping the subway very hot in summer & very neutral in winter; 2/ having the most idiotic people on this dark (sometimes darker) planet working for them giving the frustrated commuters conflicting info while enjoying it very much; 3/ being awarded the first prize for preventing commuters using a toilet. Did you try it? Wonderful! The ugly Upper West/Eastsitechiks with their smelly gyms, obligatory and mediocre ice cream, degenerated dogs and other pets, disgusting shorts and other wearabouts are a good proof that our days are numbered. But as long as they have their latest model of PC, palm holders, perfume-spraying cell phones, designer bagels and teeth bracelets, they don’t mind paying $ 3,000 per day for their Norman Rockwell-looking studios. Hey, life is great! If you are stupid, you pay only $ 245 for a shiny mountain bike; we smart looking people will not put our delicatessen tuches on a bike less than $1.800…Where do we go from here? Can you imagine ugly people mating? No wonder the airline industry charges for tuches space. Let’s face it (again, without sitting on one) – the elephants and giraffes take a lot of space. Just ask Noah. Speaking about airlines. Last time I’ve flown it was with British Airways. Bloody Hell, I say. On my way to Budapest (the capital of confused but clean Hungarians), I flew to the airports of Toronto, Reykjavik, suburbs of Paris, Frankfurt, Salzburg, Vienna and finally to the outskirts of Budapest. They call it VET (Very Economy Ticket) – if you don’t like it, they will skip your meal, tell you to take a lift, so to fly. Frankly, my dear airline heads, I don’t blame them. Someone must be a sucker to take on well-aimed kicks. Remember the good old days when steamers puffed all the way to the shores of Teutons and Celts? Today it’s only voyage ocean liners with large containers of water on boards. Water on a ship? Have you seen the news lately? If god really exists, we wouldn’t exist anymore. Hey, am I missing something here?! Some fucked up Israelis are selling the bullets and uniforms to their killers; the Saudis masturbate with their version of Wahabbism (popular I-slamic Inquisition); the US dollar slides down. Not even the international whores and Atlantic City or Las Vegas will accept it. The Russians with their putanesceous KGB (Kick Georgians Butts) leader are meddling into everything – including mafia inspired ice-skating chasing; Iraq’s Scouts are eating live chicken (to fend off planned [?] US chess invasion); Very Insecure Absolutely Gross Rotten Assholes (VIAGRA) merge, submerge, downmerge, overmerge, until they puke all over our fluorescent (sometimes black) planet. Sounds familiar, smells brotherhoodly, feels sisterly, looks fatherish? But of course it does! That’s why we are here. Otherwise we will move to the suburbs of Khartoum in Sudan where local I-slamic military junta kills foolish Christian brothers and sisters in the name of all-merciful, compassionate just overburdened Allahadin and 40 thieves. But hey, that’s what the fucked up orange-green clad Irish are doing for long time and still find a spot to drink disgusting Guinness. The blow-up artists with various backgrounds graduate from the University of Fear (UOF) and blow themselves up so they can finally meet god’s whores in Paradise. What do they think – how are their little dicks going to look like after a blast blows them to tiny meaty particles? Not very erect, that’s for sure, my little, twisted piggish souls! How come death is almost always glorified and life ridiculed to the point of no return? Does this have something to do with rich history of idiocy? Oy, no correct answer here. But who knows, perhaps one day you will meet your salt/pepper shaker who will make a nice omelet from you for you. Selah (pronounced: Selah) Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – history is a well-done, frozen hot-dog without the necessary ingredients. 37 Dear Jews For Jihad half way chewing gum swallowers and flying carpet repair mechanics, Hey, you! Yes, you, you. Wait a minute! Did I get it right? Each time, I, the Emir, open the daily press pages; my Jews For Jihad orgasmization heart (further only JFJ, org.) jumps up & down – like your average stock market ballerina (SMB). I don’t know about you, but hey, it could be more stupid than it really appears. While those Airabs are busy looking for all kind of excuses, abuses, denials and generally feeling helpless in front of their plugged international toilets - all that stored, medieval shit suddenly comes straight into their Semitic faces. As our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky is keen on saying: “ One Semite plus another Semite equals thousand anti-Semites?” I don’t know what he means by this intriguing, racial arithmetic question equation, but one thing is for sure – it’s based on the instability-debility meter (IDM), irregularly checked by the TUMSPA (The Universe Most Stupid Person Authority). You wanna proof? I bet you do. Who doesn’t ?! What about our favorite country Afghanistan (pronounced: Awfulistan), closely followed by another favorite Phuckeestan? In case you don’t know what I am talking about, I am not talking. Just read the papers and shut up! Repeat 100 times. Good. I can see you. You didn’t do it. Well…For example – what is the common denominator in Afghanistan today? Good question. Could it be the absence of the famous wedding bombs and abundance of fractional and fucktional warlords feuding over a horrible and unsafe real estate property? Which is which? A human error reduction syndrome (HERS) or the ancient, totally immune virus, called Homini Effectum Debilitatis Imortalis (HEDI). For those who don’t give a Cloaka Maxima about Latin (and I don’t blame you), it is just an attempt to find a proper description of certain human sponsored activities resulting in timeless and countless suffering and bloodshed. Whoopla! So meantime, let’s leave Afghanistan/Awfulistan to the Afghans (any god forbid) and turn our sheepish attention to Phuckeestan, a country (?) that never seems to reduce its ability to amuse us. Let’s see: according to some incredible I-slamic so called legal system (incidentally, not based on anything, except on hallucinatory, maniac depressive imams/mullahs idiocy) a person of female persuasion whose brother has allegedly committed some crime is held by a jirga court (yes, the same concept as in Afghanistan) and guess what will happen to her? Back to the Stone Age, everybody must get stoned, my dear potheads. The tribal council sentenced her to be collectively raped, inshallah. How about that, you lovers of authentic, folkloric traditions? Or are you dying to visit Saudi Arabia? Great choice! Here Der Stürmer-looking ugly princes, princesses and other royal crap (where did they got those titles; in some European royal thrift shops?) rule over the vast desert - thanks to a huge deposit of stinky, nauseating liquid. Isn’t it strange? So while they rule, they also suffer from constipation and unlimited idiocy. What can you expect from people who are worshipping a fallen meteorite, have religious police and eat McDonald specially designed shit? It’s Halal, halalelujah! Give them a break! Don’t get me right, really. I harbor no sympathy for some freaky, arrogant Israelis either. But why are we Jews famous for being capable shrink-heads? Right. You’ve got it! Because we strive on a neurosis caused by those who would like to see us vanished. Jewbrakadabra. Out, gone, off, evaporated, and burned… Let me ask you, my dear coreligionists and co-copulators – what will you do without a Jew? Quite correct. If ain’t no Jew you would have to invent this one too…and so on, and so on… I can already see some idiotic swines protesting, although they should be thankful for being protected species since 2000 BC. For to keep a delicate balance between a last eater and being eaten last – one need to have a common culinary sense. Gee! Yes, Geezus loves you too; but the Big Chef is getting increasingly nervous. Someone has spoiled his heavenly Jewstew. Bone my appetite, you schmucks and go ahead, join the raw animals culinary eaters club (RACE). So while the blowing up in the Promiscuous Land is going on, the international Jew-haters are having a great time, of course being silent about the professionally fucked-up Airab/Mu-slim regimes scattered all over our sienna (sometimes vomit-color) planet. Next time, kiss Saddam Hussein’s varicose veins and hemorrhoid face, really. The reward? You will be surely less exposed to his vast biological, chemical and other shit, ready to go, he has stored for long time bought with generous foreign money he has pumped from/to his accounts while his propaganda midgets run a show depicting suffering Auschwitz-Srebrenica-Kosovo-Gulag-like babies with trade mark mustaches. Yes, my pseudo leftists, PC, New Age, neo-Stalinist, Trockyite, Leninist, Maoist, Hitlerist, Pol-Potist, etc., fuckheads. Go ahead, make my vomit! Mazal Tov! Do I see you demonstrating on the streets protesting re-introduction of global medievalism? Of course not. Oy, you need another proof? Sure, here is the one! It’s in front of your pudding-like face, unable to see because it was cosmetically changed, based on People and other idiotic magazines suggestion and successfully divorced from your brain that has been stored in your ridiculous, calcium deposited dome - by some freakish accident. Not enough? I agree. Yours Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – when vomiting with history standing next to you; don’t forget to ask for her autograph. 38 Dear Jews For Jihad cosmic dust collectors and future wet stamps dryers, It is not quite unusual for us, Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.), to take a stance on the issues such as the floods in Sahara hoods, foreign butterflies Olympics around horse-free Ulan Bator, the importance of armor in notoriously famous banks toilets or complex intricacies of very simple sexual habits of this very mannequinkind. It’s true, although not very clearly documented when was the first breach of sexual misconduct reported. According to our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky, the first terracotta findings from around what’s today submerged basements of Dresden, indicates that a certain official (with misspelled name), attempted to barter his erected penis for a special brew, locally known as Ichweissnicht. The clay tablets also revealed that the common Indo-European word harassment actually in impunity meant: “what her ass meant to me.” This concept is not going quite well with today anti-sexual, proto-fascist policing around the U.S. offices with not yet fully disclosed catastrophic consequences – locally and globally, so to finger. While it’s generally good to send hardened, dyke-like looking, so called female soldiers to such places as Afghanistan (pronounced Awfulistan) or Phuckeestan (pronounced Phuckeestan), or even, your god forbid, to Colombia (to scare the shit out of unsuspected local male population who goes to sleep with: who-wants-to-fuck-them? attitudes), frankly fucking, those female represantives (do they really represent?), really scare a brown load out of many innocent commuters and future males in our very land right now. We are still not talking about the eternal friction between good looking & ugly. That’s a huge minefield of a size of Russia and her ex-satellite vassal states. We are talking about the strange concept of the esthetics 101. For example: what about those extremely Michelin-like fat people wearing very tight various fabrics around their sci-fi bodies, sipping on diet Coke in wax cups? When they are almost done, splash! - they drop it all over subway cars floor and give you a mean look. Yes, ladies (?) and gentlemen (?), nothing, not even the theorists (pronounced: terrorists), can stop these whole family-oriented atavistic habits of many idiots and piglets. While we strongly combat our natural urge to go back to the international politics arena, let’s stay home, full of brave debilitated consumers; tired and stupid masses; arrogant power-chewers; rainbow racists; sport-pages-readers-only; uniformed criminals; artsy cock suckers and other unidentified but visible idiots. And you have thought we ought to travel to distant places to seek all this out? Needless to say, one day when the overrated mushroom clouds will disperse over our sickly-yellow (sometimes healthy purple) planet, nothing will change. Some call it progress a la Iraquesque, you will call it kiss my ass, we call it the message is in the messenger’s mass. Yes, yes. I know, I can hear you! What her ass really meant to us? Quite original, I am afraid. Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – when copulating with history, ask not what her ass can do for you butt what it can do to you… 39 Dear Jews For Jihad frequent fart freaks and prior authorization requesters, Hey, you! Yes. Don’t move. That is it. Stay still, take a deep breath, and read this: You all have thought that until now I was only kidding. Emiracelly speaking, I can’t stop laughing. Even I, the Emir, the largest and biggest stupidity measurer in the name of Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.), have to admit that despite natural catastrophes (which one are not natural?), there is still a large reservoir of unused idiocy in the neighborhood of your choice. O.K., the muddy waters of grandma Europe are receding, exposing the damaged past and even nicer, damaged future. Did you know that you need FOXP2 gene in order to be able to speak? But only in the presence of large apes. Yes, it went like this - while those large apes slept, we the brave, nicely hairy mannequinkind woke up, rape a couple of early morning innocent, staggering rhinos and immediately started to eat everything around us, saying: “it’s time for a cheap & dirty Chinese joint with a free, so called jasmine tea.” Hey, and you have thought speaking is easy. Would you like to write? This brings us closer to the vicinity of all those countries we really try to avoid by helping them. Not only are the Vedic cows lazy and can’t distinguish between the stop and walk signals, those holy, horny, titty bovine fellows are also a protected by the Hi-ndu anti-hamburgerists. A new book Holy Cow; Beef in Indian Dietary Tradition, soon will find its way to Barns & Nibble stores. Its author - professor Jha (pronounced jha), vehemently denies that this is sort of Beefic Verses literature stuff, it’s rather a scientific inquiry into centuries old carefully constructed debility in which a humanoid life is worthy nothing (now is even worse) but an illiterate cow is worshipped on the background of our evolutionary, salivary glands. World Hi-ndu Congress (WoHuCo) and Not-So-International-Cow-Defenders profit organization (NSICD), want writer Jha roast alive so he can return backwards as a reincarnated bullshit. Good luck, our dear vegetarian brethren, I blame neither you nor your vegan governments. Let’s hope, one day, the holy-shit Indian cow will be able to visit their ordinary, mad & diseased relatives in England or Germany. Sieg Bov! Not only everything around here and the multi-grandpa Universe seems to be idiotic, stupid, and ridiculous, but also it even is. Just look into our daily bread press how the U.S. aided I-raq against I-ran (remember that war of all wars in the 80s?). Of course you don’t. That’s why you need the Emir. The moral support of those schmucks included closing the eyes when the I-raqees started to use poisonous gas. Isn’t it funny? That’s why we are after them right now. Gas? What gas? Yes, and you thought gas-on-humanoids is a matter of very nervous past or Spielberg’s very perforated movie. The Realpolitik zombies (shall we name them?); it will take us a decade, went so far that they closed their glaucoma eyes and everything else and allowed uncle Saddam to try his chemical shit (yes, again, the one we wanna get from him now). No more some of the Kurds or Kudos. But we’ve got a surprise gift. A dead Abu of all Abus Nidal. Thank you. And those goyische schmucks, who go to any church every Sunday, call themselves the followers of that gymnastic carpenter. Give me a nail! However, a German semi-Yid Henry K. - a Henry Ford of realpolitiks, distinguished himself by personally preparing détente gefilte shit and managed to smear it all over the red and yellow faces. The result? The world is a better place for all those friendly killers, elegantly purchasing 10 blocks next to you. So, there you have it. Cheek for check, empty soul for another empty soul, my dear desert explorers! And if you don’t like it, go ahead, make your own poison, and then try it on your neighbor’s baby python. Which brings us to a scholastic Al Qaeda dog experiments meant for all those who supplied uncle Hussein with all kind of shit until he ran out of velvety toilet paper and got really Mesopotamically mad. So, while the various dogs are horribly dying at undisclosed I-slamic locations, the Phuckees are cleaning teeth on the streets of their Mu-slim soil and Afghans (Awfuls), can’t make up their mind about their leader because he shops at Bargain Hunter shops on 36th Street and 8th Avenue, NYC. Meantime, the great papa-pope realizes he is forgetting his Polish so he arranges Vatican-paid business/pleasure trip to where everyone really does speak Polish. This important event inspires fucked up Sharia-Nigeria land where they love to stone a woman just for the fun of it. And the Saudis and their digital camels? Yes, and the Saudis. No more halal soybeans for you, I hear humanitarian employees shouting from the bar in Geneva. I can also hear our unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky saying: “Mazal Soy and please come back! Next week we will have kosher hot dogs with bacon imitation.” Well done. But what is the opinion of deeply concerned (hahaha) NYT U.S. Harlem imam, ex-convict-convert Abdr Rasheed? “We have many Jewish questions. September 11? Wasn’t it on Yom Kippur when those perfidious Itziks gather the blood of innocent, international Airab children to make a copy of their matzo-ball globe?” “I don’t believe Mu-slim people did this (what?),” says Mr. Budra, a retired Egyptian police officer in NYC. A retired Egyptian police officer in NYC? Wait a minute, where is a retired NYC police officer in Egypt when we need one? Budra, Budra, may Osiris opens your head while you are still alive and let the Ra’s ray pointing to a malignant tumor on the left side…Yes, right there. I-slam is a peaceful, loving thing, says another tropical-convert -zombie in Indonesia and sweesh off goes a hostage’s head, cut with a Damascene sword personally touched by Mohammed’s palm reader and his/her chauffeur. Is this still 2002, my dear bond jumpers? Really, let’s pose for a second - are the Roosskies taking over America? Relax; it’s only the Mafia. Good. The rest of them, back home are busy jumping off the cartoon-helicopters in Chechnya ignoring the signs: Don’t jump! Minefield. Too late. So the western waters are going down with some of those dreamy cities, Awfulistan is unstable and largely re-Talibinized by the primitive, local idiots, trained by the U.S. special fartces. That didn’t prevent the British scientists to prove that drugs and loud music kill mice. Really? Unbelievable! 11 mice injected with metamphetamine died after listening to music by The Prodigy and Bach. Very nice, mice. Oy, I’ve almost forgotten – back to Hindustan (pronounced: India) – by Reuters – a large mutant bug that glow on both ends, have created panic in the country’s most populous state (Uttar Pradesh), setting off riots and lynchings. They (notice they) call it muchnowa (all of you JFJ-ists write muchnowa essay, no more than 100 words) - the face scratcher. The face scratchers of the world, unite! And you would love to see this Emir to stop this JFJ well-deserved idiocy? Think again. Your Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – when in doubt, fuck history until it comes. 40 Dear JFJ finalists and those who dared to endure the reality by supplementing it with another one… Perhaps all of you or at least some of you who have received our Jews For Jihad orgasmization (further only JFJ, org.) statements in form of a letter, asked a simple but relevant question: what is it & why? After 9/11 there were many reasons for why, although the column what is it, still remains empty mystery of our common and individual patterns of behavior when confronted by seemingly grandiose human affairs. The recent events in our targeted countries Pakistan (Phuckeestan) and Afghanistan (Awfulistan), only confirm my original idea: that to point out human (humanoid) idiocy and stupidity hiding behind the normalcy mask, one has to chose the most effective tool of criticism – unlimited humor. Even though, I have deliberately chosen 2 world’s nation-states as cartoon characters, creating a helper: the unknown veteran adviser Afghan Afghanovitch Talibansky, there are plenty of other entities on this white (sometimes beer-colored) planet that can fit into this slot. How can one otherwise explain in the face of so long expected progress the actions and results of so many countries and governments that despite organized general consensus (such as U.N. - United Nothingness), many will go on rampage, killing, blowing up, gassing, stoning, raping, etc. without a fear of consequences – until a stronger bully steps in and kick their asses? After that all of them with real pain in the ass, will complain to the world accusing others of injustice and prejudice. This written political farce will come to the end, effective immediately – 9/10/02 – but I am confidentially resting my case on an undisputable fact that this important act will not stop targeted and other countries to act in more or less morose & debilitating ways as they did from the time immemorial. Is it not a soothing feeling that while the rest of us sleep so well & sound, out there, over there, yes, more to your left and little bit to your right, this world is cracking in its seams and together with natural catastrophes contribution it will eventually become another cold, glass bead in a long necklace of cosmic events? So, good-by to those who enjoyed and disliked these JFJ statements; it is time to go and leave everything to your imagination – the only source of our beloved tradition. Next time when you pick up a newspaper to read, remember to put on your cartoon glasses. Don’t get fooled again…Meantime, go back to the old JFJ issues, read them again and again and make another ridiculous and outrageous assumptions, spreading it around – don’t give up. Your Gabriel Ariel Levicky, formerly Emir Gabpashaberger, the founder and destroyer of JFJ, org. Remember – when reading this historical finality, refuse to subscribe to any source of information and go ahead create and disseminate your own! [1] The very small capital of Chechnya, near Haagen Dazs (but who cares!) [2] Soon to be even smaller capital of – who really cares? [3] Very short schmuck with Mayan features [4] Another little bit bigger schmuck with non-Mayan features [5] A dangerous, vilest mixture; not recommended while thinking under the influence of faith [6] A dark-skinned humanoids, scattered all-over but who really gives a fuck! [7] A squared, shtetl-like economic tool [8] Holland [9] Semitic, brainless volunteers within the Hitler’s army in North Africa [10] Many, impossible to get a full count [11] Of the Elders of Zion – never heard of? Even if you didn’t, you will [12] See note # 3 [13] What? [14] A kind of exaltation, forcibly brought into Middle East from the Babylonian supermarket [15] With no end in sight [16] Stan-d’ard European country [17] Also known as anything-goes-Pakistan [18] A new specie, known to be extremely vulnerable in very extreme conditions [19] Tiny, playful things, generally found at various street-fairs, flea & lice markets and wholesale outlets [20] Another, anatomically correct description [21] A never again poison [22] Foolish dissidents [23] Like Pope [24] Like Rebbe [25] Similar to any other head around [26] Never heard of? You should!