LONG LIVE THE KING!

So the little corporal, a schmuck and an upstart is getting drank with power and arrogance - a typical, viotile, poisonous mixture of every dicatotor. Good - at least he shows it openly for everyone to see it... Hasta La Vista, Hugoista... E-mail this to a friend

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Shut up, Spain's king tells Chavez

King Juan Carlos (r) and Mr Zapatero (l) defended Mr Aznar Spain's King Juan Carlos told Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez to "shut up" as the Ibero-American summit drew to a close in Santiago, Chile. The outburst came after Mr Chavez called former Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar a "fascist". Mr Chavez then interrupted Spanish PM Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero's calls for him to be more diplomatic, prompting the king's outburst. Latin American, Portuguese, Spanish and Andorran leaders were meeting in Chile. 'Democratically elected' Mr Chavez called Mr Aznar, a close ally of US President George W Bush, a fascist, adding "fascists are not human. A snake is more human." Mr Zapatero said: "[Former Prime Minister] Aznar was democratically elected by the Spanish people and was a legitimate representative of the Spanish people." Mr Chavez repeatedly tried to interrupt, despite his microphone being turned off. The king leaned forward and said: "Why don't you shut up?" According to reports, the king used a familiar term normally used only for close acquaintances - or children.

SEMI-OPEN LETTER (ALMOST CLOSED) TO EL PRESIDENTE HUGO CHAVEZ

Dear Hugo,
On the other hand, shall I call you comrade Che Chavez? Hey, it’s up to you! I don’t care that much, although, I will tell you – once a comrade always a commie. I digged that monarchic mess you created last time on that meeting of all of you – il Duces dela America Latina. Well, you are lucky – not everybody has such an opportunity to be told by the king to shut up. It is almost like in the fairy-tale. The king and his jester. The princess and a bad dragon waiting in the cave for the delivery of his royal delicatessen. OK, it was only the Spanish king, the Habsburg – but still his blue blood almost exploded, thanks to you. What an accomplishment! You can tell your grandkids that story – “and the king has told me to shut up and that is the end of the story…”

Anyway, how are you? How does it feel to be on your own like a complete unknown, sorry, I always got carried away by Bobbie.

Hey, look, you can always count on Fidel and just in case those los Cubanos will get rid of their red brothers and sisters; sure, you can keep his ashes. It’s a promise. I know, I know, you are going to build in Caracas a huge museum for dead, taxidermied Fidel. Sure, that’s why the Fidels and Vladimirs are born. Being stuffed in a museum! Yes, I know, you will do your best they won’t stink.

And what about you, my dear Duce – did you save enough petro-dollars for your mausoleum on the bottom of the sea? I got it, man. No dollars, OK, euros are in, big time! Your friend Ahmadinejad is already wiping his ass with greenbacks and lighting Cohiba with beautifully designed Euro. Be sure to wear some gloves too. It goes well together.

Now, I would like to know where did you get those crazy ideas about socialism and that Belarus borscht demagoguery? Look, you don’t have to explain anything to me. You got plenty of your people to explain when they gonna hunt your sorry ass all over to Mexico, Florida, Pittsburg, Ryjekyavik, Liverpool, Hamburg, Kosice, Minsk and back. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you!

You what? Ah, you are experimenting…I got it. Do you know that old Jewish joke: Rabbi Schmuel and comrade Cohn are discussing the issues of life? No? Here we go… After a certain period of discussion, rabbi says to comrade Cohn: “Oy vey, what a pity, what a pity! Cohn angrily responds: “What do you mean what a pity?”

Rabbi: “Oh, I just say that because I am very sad…” Cohn:”And why are you sad, rebbe?” Rabbi: “If only all yours Marx, Engles and Lenin were doctors!” Cohn: “What has all this to do with them being doctors?” Rabbi: “Because if they were doctors, they will first try all their meshugene on animals…”

Got it? No? Shit. Let me do it again. Just kidding…

Don’t you say? One of your best friends is Jewish? How interesting! And what did you think? That the Jews live in a kind of Jewzoo and here and there, they pop up and say: Hi, nice to meet you. They have just let me go for a walk from my cage but I will be back so you all can see me…This is how a Jew looks like. Big nose? But of course, did not you know that the air is free?

Enough of joking, Hugo. I have noticed lately that you are getting, how shall I put it, – little bit round, fat, obese. Are you trying to compete with Michael Moore?

Now let’s see – what do you eat what the average Venezuelan don’t eat/drink or vice versa? OK, beef from Argentina, tuna from Peru, rum from Cuba, eyeballs from China (oops…), balls from Russia (oops again…). Wasn’t I right! Look at this! The whole menu as a performance piece.

Now, look here, I hope you are not going to take it personally, right? I think that you should come incognito to New York (what, or Jew York, that’s funny…) and seek some shrink. No big deal. Do you know how many people, Jews and non-Jews are involved in this business. Let’s see, half of them are patients, half the doctors then they circulate. I swear!

No, who? Me? No, no, I don’t need to see them. Plus, I suffer from vertigo when I lie down on that sofa. But Listen, Che. By the way, may I call you Che? It fits you so well. I know, I know – he is your hero. I prefer bagel with Graucho on it. Extra pickles.

Speaking of pickles how is your sex life? Good? Don’t you say? And who is your schtoop these days? Not my business? I know, otherwise I would not ask. By the way, how come you know what schtoop means? What? Your grandma was Jewish? Don’t tell anybody? But of course, I won’t! But it is schtoopy funny, I must say…

Listen, I was supposed to ask questions and not you. And put down that Gluck 458, yes, it is very nice, is it German? I am telling you, those Germans, they know how to do those things. Don’t shoot! What is it? Whom did you aim at? Oh, it was just a student, I got it. They are too many as it is…I agree. The best solution is to send them to those training camps in Iran. That will teach them!

Oh, and thanks for that oil for the Bronx and sandwiches for hungry Armenians, no? It wasn’t Armenians? Turks? No? Your dream is to open CITGO gas station on Times Square? What a great idea! The SUV robots are already waiting.

Now, Hugo, do me a favor, OK? When you get back home, promise? OK, so when you get back, have a good look into a mirror and think. Who is this guy? Is he for real? There is something strange in his eyes. Oh, my Comrade, it is I! Hugo Chavez, alias Che Chavez!!!

Hasta La Vista Chavetista!
Yours,

Gabriel A. Levicky, il dissidente viejo