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PRESS RELEASE!!! From you favorite Torture Never Stops Correspondent GabLev’06 ASTONISHING DISCOVERY! (Of course in a desert…) A group of international archeologists have discovered a pit with 3 intertwined remains of human fossils. Based on more concentrated research and DNA analysis, the dumbfounded scientists came to an undisputable conclusion that the fossilized skeletons, found in a desert in Iraq (near Niniveh), must be those of Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed. The puzzling “embrace” of these non-corporal leftovers or elements perhaps indicate that: a) they attempted to hide away from something; b) they were looking for support; c) all of the above. The cranial capacity of those 3 human fossils, suggest highly developed brains with extremely pronounced cavities in an area where imagination and fantasy dwell or are generally located in a live human brain. According to a spokesperson of this research team, this finding is so explosive that it may alter not only other explosions in Iraq but also proper balance and revenues of many interactive zealous clerics, preachers, lost souls, fanatics and such bunch and/or may spell the end of their institutions. At this moment, the scientific international team hiding in an abandoned USAF missile silo in Utah is unsuccessfully trying to untangle embracing ancient fossils. One thing is for sure. The consequence and implications are enormous! If indeed the origin of these fossils would be proven authentic, we might face a global, religious war or wars; if however, this discovery turns out to be a hoax (even not intended), we would still face the same war or wars… Next: The angels are actually inflatable… WHAT AN IMAGE! Now, it has come to my TNS correspondent’s attention that there is a lot of confusion and controversy out there when it comes to images. Before I touch on that puffy and floating subject that isn’t light, let me take you down the memory lane. I am sure you won’t resist. In not so young Sumerian and even younger Assyrian empires, people with sun-damaged brains had a lot to say about everything, precisely on the same geographical spot out of which we are getting so much endless idiocy today. What an image! Anyway, generation after generation they were asking themselves a fundamental and never ending question: How to get out of here? It takes some time to figure it out so they continued with vigor and joy to perform civilized slave labor by furiously carving various fantastic images out of the local limestone and other valuable, geological rocks (which much later on – we’re talking right now – will be used for crowd target practicing, based on loosely collected ridiculous and arrogant assumptions, called Sharia or a caricature of law – during which, just recently in the 21st century Iran, caught on the clandestine video camera, a large mass of human beings publicly murders in stoning orgy “criminals” wrapped in a white shroud (how biblical!). The stone shower of various sizes rains on gift-to-god wrapped young victims until a bright red color appears from inside and stains pristine white fabric, but wait, don’t go home, the justice is not finished yet! It’ s difficult to kill an adult human being by throwing a stone after stone since aiming and ballistics are often distorted. Plus, you guys wiggle too much! This is how these human targets slowly, excruciatingly die, bleeding to death in the name of peaceful, merciful, loving, caring, image-hating religion, stolen, altered, and adjusted to the needs of berserk desert warriors and robbers, while the incited crowd wails: ‘Allah Akbar!’ God is great! Great? And these are the types who are ‘heroically’ fighting against images, whether a cartoon or a large statue of Buddha. What an image! It’s all about images, my friends…Do I hear Buddha laughing? While writing this, the recent news has just flashed on: they have just destroyed, bombed a golden cupola of the famous Shia mosque in Samarra - again Iraq! Who? The Sunni? Whose mosque - Shia? What an image! Do we know these guys? Wait a minute, aren’t they the same guys who on the Ashura anniversary (when their leaders Ali and Hussein got killed in a typical power struggle during the sectarian, political-religious battle more than thousand years ago), are still self-mutilating themselves in a public display, including their wives and kids, with various sharp objects; mainly medieval swords and rusty rods, bleeding on the innocent bystanders? Yep, it is them. What an image! Excuse me, wasn’t it supposed to be one, non-bleeding god for everybody? Now, god not only became homeless and injured, but also got involved in sectarian skirmishes in his own name. Talking about self-outsourcing... Now, whom are they going to blame for this really ‘bloody’ mess? The 24-hour sand storms? I would…or maybe the international and throw-in-some-local Jews? In the twisted Arab/Muslim world, the Jews always naturally and comfortably supply endless conspiracies. When getting the bad news, blame the Jews…It even rhymes…and it is a good material for: Ja, meine liebe volks, images – the cartoons! Have you seen how are these perfidious Jews/Israelis being portrayed in the Arab/Muslim media? No? You are lucky. What an image! Getting back to those other images, the ones carved into the stone. Those anonymous, ancient artisans left us an incredible collection of bird-like-bearded beings with beaks and sometimes carefully cultivated noble human faces with majestic wings, ready to take off. The more oppressive and theatrical regimes followed (and boy, they were plenty!), the more winged and vicious looking images of creatures appeared with elaborately chiseled details such as delicate flowers, detailed dress designs, trees with strange looking fruits and various birds, local animals and, of course, inseparable, miniaturized defeated enemies with hands tied behind their backs, ready to be slaughtered. What an image! The propaganda intentions and message were quite obvious: First, let’s scare the shit out of our subjects in order to wrestle them into obedience; second, those beings are being carved not only for my protection, they are here to protect you as well – you stupid, ridiculous, obedient, malnourished, illiterate pricks! What an image! Everybody got the message. Those who didn’t steadily enriched forever thirsty soil – thus adding a special flavor to soon to be discovered oil deposits. Fossils and dead souls make a great critical mass, aren’t they? Plus, it’s good for your car as well… How about another image of god? For example, Alex, the Gross - that over-celebrated, narcissistic Macedonian. When he made it to the capital of once proud but now hopelessly defeated Persian empire – Persepolis, also located on that miserable Mesopotamian desert, those images of winged boys and girls were hanging everywhere to the astonishment of the Olympus propaganda brainwashed Greeks. Only one of their sub-gods Hermes, not even a full pledged god - got some wings but they were mini size and located on his feet! What an image! The mighty Alex self-declared himself god; the Greeks got drunk, more than a few of them engaged in some pretty rough sex in different positions with those stoned, carved beings. What an image! It must have left tremendously hard impact on them… because many years later their heirs rather suspiciously fast converted to a new religion, thanks to very unhappy Jewish IRS man Saul who after many years of chasing Temple’s tax evaders, got so confused that he changed his name to Paul and developed a special bud taste for pork chops with artichokes and special Salonike’s gravy. The unknown, unemployed carpenter from Nazareth was also proclaimed god or god’s son, it depends from which angle you look at it with the little help of reinvented winged super being whose name is Gabriel (sorry). Of course, it goes without saying that new carpenter remained unemployed! Each time the Romans came and ordered many wooden crosses, (their favorite pastime activity used against anyone who wasn’t from Rome); he and his family refused to do so. The Jews are very allergic to a cross; it brings bad luck. What an image! Soon we get another altered version in which Gabriel becomes Jibril, announces to a hallucinating caravan thief and businessman Mohammad that indeed he is the last and that’s it! prophet (what kind of job is this?) and ‘instructs’ him to kill all nonbelievers, infidels, image worshipers and other human garbage (which at this time consisted of approximately 99% of the whole population), upon which he immediately carries on this wonderful task since it is the only thing he knows and successfully reduces the local and distant population to about 25%. What an image! So you want heaven and hell; you’ve got it?! Very soon, heaven and hell moved into your own bedroom and on your left shoulder – sat a winged, innocent creature with aura - that flosses every day, telling you to wash your feet and not to step with your left foot, etc., etc., and on the opposite side, the famous fallen, winged, wild creature with horns, tail and really bad, sulfuric breath, telling you: Ah, fuck everything! The first balance and check grandparents… What an image! There was supposed to be a designated angel and his/her horny counterpart for every human being, including the dead ones. The new profession had been established: religious freaks (imams, mullahs, emirs, rabbis, ministers, priests, gurus, space cadets) of all sorts wasting their senseless lives looking into semi-conscious books and; oh, man, bothering you! Many simply hanging, loitering around, preaching and spitting into your face on the subways and other planned means of mass transportation. Some of them have even chosen the compassionate humility/chastity voluntary service for their big boss, so they can save the strength to abuse their altar boy slaves – practicing safe (non-observed) and sanctifying sex (there is always a confession). What an image! Yes, my folks – all the roads lead to that cupola building in Rome – one of the god’s many residences; yes, the Romans again… Here is another real example story, first published in Hebrew (or at least we think), then in Greek, Latin, Esperanto, Yiddish and other sign, Braille and deaf languages, including Uzbek and Mongolian: One, not yet created day, the Angels’ Union gathered around their big boss and demanded an explanation – how come the new creatures he had just made out of clay (excuse me, out of what?) are more pampered and becoming more fine-tuned then they were – his specialized work force? A heavenly rebellion ensued against the almighty. What an image! Well, said the AM. You are perfect – 100%, but they look at them – they are full of temptations and viciousness, full of regenerated, renewable vengeance, sins, and hate! We have to take a special care of these poor souls and look after them to guide and guard them…An angelic voice from the background: Aren’t they supposed to be created in your perfect image? Bingo! God in his anger decided: this is it and fired his winged workforce! Funny, how many times god gets angry?! Let’s follow that straight red, flashing line in the Bible. His subjects are being smacked, kicked, whipped flooded, hit by various objects and electrocuted right and left all the time. The verdict was merciless - many wings were clipped off, the aura glow had been reduced by 40%; some of the angels, dressed in their best golf outfits were banished to distant intelligent designs where there is no god and/or even need for one. What an image! Wait! What about the global bird flu pandemic? What an image! Next: Can we have sex after we die? Can we have sex after we die? (Business is business) I see, good question that has been automatically answered right now. Sure, but before you do that, don’t forget to move to France, kidnap and kill a Jew, preferably a young one, but not before you viciously torture him in the true Ivory Coast fashion, plus a cigarette butt looks really great when extinguished on a sweaty forehead! Being a fuehrer Muslim with a “Barbarian Brain” really helps. No further cheering necessary…although… The madness of being mad at the whole world continues. Then there are some 101 methods to be rehearsed and questions asked; for example: Hey, Jew, where is the money!? How come you don’t have money; you must be a friend of this writer! Damn you! Hey, don’t go! Remember Daniel Pearl? He used to have head, wife and 2 kids. After he was lured into a trap by those wonderful, peaceful worshipers of ‘the true and only god and prophet’ in Fuckistan, Mr. Pearl had been returned headless but with a video shot – for family and posterity. Cutting heads must be a tough business. A youthful person skin has some natural resistance to being penetrated by sharp objects, especially around neck and when you finally sever all those arteries and veins – you get a small Red Sea, including the parting (of the head). Each penetration is quite naturally followed by a question (which so puzzled the ancient Egyptians): Can I have sex after I die? This was an essential question the founder of that slamming religion – I-slam, you-slam, we-slam…asked every night. You see, it is very difficult to climax in such a harsh climate; he used to complain in various oasis, until one day, unfortunately for us and the whole world, he had a vision. People with vision are usually blind to their immediate surrounding and can cause a tremendous damage. Let’s see… One of his fresh followers, the supreme secular fuehrer has become a President*** (and this is a guy who looks like he has extremely bad breath and an electric shaver that doesn’t work). The country is officially (and what about unofficially?) called The Islamic Republic of Iran (but you can’t)…Islamic and republic? Did I get it right, with all due respect to my ancestors? So the secular fuehrer is more religious than religious fuehrer... Isn’t it a double oxymoron, you morons!? Are we talking about a separation? Yes, a separation of church and state…Of course not – there is nothing to separate here, except enriched uranium in order to make those cute, tiny, intzi-pintzi, Islamic atoms. Boom!!! Here goes the world. O.K., so you are sitting in the plane on your way to your vacation, let’s say in Egypt where you hope to shake hands with some dried out, beef-jerky-like looking kings and continue to drop your latest digital cameras into a fresh camel shit. Bing-bong - a captain makes the following announcement: Ladies and gentlemen, on our right side we can see flying India, on our left side we can see parts of Italy (ah, Venice; leaning, now straight tower of Pisa!) and Denmark (look at those cute cows and ugly cartoonists!). Watch out, here comes China! Wow, near miss…Ah, yes, finally, here comes Middle East…can you see it?…just look at them…those poor bastards, they are still fighting for that land…No oxygen today, but you will get a free sandwich and a lukewarm coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Recently, I’ve met a fresh graduate from the Atlantic Street Wahabi University of Explosive Ideas (ASWUEI), majoring in RP(H)G (Rocket propelled (halal) grenade) specialization. His last class assignment is to blow people who are drinking hot chocolate only. Why hot chocolate, was my first natural reaction, pushing away a tip of one of his grenade ammunition, sticking into my earl-grey tea with no milk. We are testing new heat seeking RPG tips; he said innocently and ordered ice cold pomegranate juice. It makes sense. Anti-oxidant… I am telling you, too many people on this fucking little planet, the newly established expert says. So I figured, even if a few million go down (mind you no burial, only cremation!) to save our planet, we can still practice our art of reduction on many replacements. Anyway, most of them are non-believer dogs and Jews! What about China? We will keep them for the final mercy blow before we establish the perfect Caliphate…We need them to manufacture our RPG diplomas, these rubber sandals we like to wear (and also use as reversible condoms), and other useful items such as PVC tanks and soldiers, hydrogen peroxide, frozen tiger’s balls and bear’s jaundice glands as well as those pretty twisted bamboo branches… But let’s go back to killing and sex, I insisted. Don’t you think they somehow go together? Are you Jewish? he asked, toting his RPG. Why? The Jews talk a lot about sex…I have to reach for brown sugar and leaned over the table…too late, he has spotted my little Le Chaim! medallion on a cheap, silver chain around my neck. Here goes the neighborhood another and another. Do these guys have endless supply of RPG ammo? What happened to our custom officers at the ports and other points of entry? Oh, I see, business is business… Now I am in hiding after a personal fatwa, signed by a local convert in Harlemyuya, had been issued against me: In the name of the most compassionate and merciful, blablabla, anyone who come across this Jew is obliged to: cut his little dick (how did they know?); cut his big tongue; carve: I was here on his forehead; pull out one of his in-grown nail; hide one of his cell phone replacement battery; every week send him a white powder in a manila envelope with return address; register him for: who eats more the Boar Head ham and sausage stuffed in the apple pies in one-day fest and only then kill him, repeating: So, you wanted to know if there is sex after death? We will help you to find out… But this sophisticated verdict didn’t prevent me to impatiently wait for Bush and Cheney to go to hunt together and invite their friends from Saudi Arabia, Dubai and United Arab Emirates. Let’s be generous Halliburton style and give them good guns with optical finders and plenty of ammo. Next! Business is business. ***One day I got really mad and wanted to get even - with the President of Iran (Aryan) himself. I have located his web site: http://www.president.ir/email/ and to his dr-ahmadinejad@president.ir I have written this: “As a child of the Holocaust survivors, I strongly protest against your irresponsible and fanatical statements about the validity of this global tragedy. A person such as of your standing, representing your country on the international forum, should not make irresponsible comments contrary to truth and facts. If you don’t believe the event itself, why don’t you visit, let’s say a camp near Lublin, Majdanek in Poland and see for yourself? Don’t forget to bring your family and friends and lots of tissues! Yours, Gabriel Ariel Levicky PS I am also a cartoonist and this is my response to the latest ‘cartoon scandal’ fueled by the Islamo-fascists.” (I have attached one of my cartoons…) Next: Global idiots and fanatics are more dangerous to the planet’s survival than global warming, natural disasters, volcanic activities, beast-eating-beast theater combined, etc.